Thursday, August 5, 2010

"Ana" the sneaky bitch~

This was taken yesterday. I met up with someone who flat out told me I looked too thin and my anorexia would kill me. I have to say I was a bit stunned. I don't think I look that thin but in all honesty I am underweight by a decent amount. I guess I have been so bogged down by court drama with my ex, who won't stop false claims and allegations and who loves to drag me to court for fun, that I have felt distant from even considering I have anorexia. I don't take diet pills, laxatives, ipecac, purge, exercise, or starve for days anymore. I simply don't eat enough. I am also fairly active with my two little boys who are full of energy as well as my job working in foster care.
I am now writing down my intake and trying to be more aware of my energies and if I am burning more than I am taking in. To gain I have to take in more than I burn which is a significant amount and I doubt I am even coming close.
I am under 110 and wonder if I am holding on to a low weight and making excuses for being above 100 and out of danger zone so I can still be slender and under the radar. Some tend to over eat when stressed. I under eat when stressed. Through trying to stay afloat through so much stress and giving all my energies to my kids so they don't suffer, I have put myself aside and have not spent time working on me and doing good for me. Anorexia is disguised sometimes in different forms. Because I had extreme behaviors for several years before I had my kids but not nearly as bad after, I told myself I was ok. Even when my weight plummeted last year, forcing me into 3 months of treatment, I excused it because I was eating and not taking pills etc to the extreme but was consuming no more than 600 calories most days and quite active with my boys and doing 100's of stomach crunches a night. Even now I say it's not that bad as I don't even do all those behaviors but I am obviously not eating enough or it would show on the scale and it's not and there have been some days I have not eaten a thing.
I have battled anorexia for 20 years. It's what I know and many times has been who I am though I have to say I have still come a long way in recovery but still have a long way to go~


  1. i go back and forth when stressed between eating and not, i tend to stray toward the restricting side a lot more. I think being in that 100-110 range really is the hardest because, like you said, you fall just out of the true 'alarm zones' for the medical people and yet you can keep restricting and maintain that, even if it's unintentional. that's where i'm at, in that 10 lb range, heavy enough to satisfy most people yet not healthy at all... sorry, rant over, this is your blog, not mine. sorry.

  2. You are fine to rant Suzy. It's what the blog is about. So sorry for your struggles as well as I know you have been through so much with this and continue to battle. It becomes ingrained and so hard to overcome~

  3. I think when someone battles this disease for so long, it becomes a lifestyle that they are accustomed to and they dont even realise they have it/dont have it/getting better/too thin. I guess one has to remind themselves of how they are living, their quality of life and how they are in relation to the rest of the world (without comparing themselves in a negative way!)

    stay strong