Sunday, August 8, 2010

Escaping the prison walls of "ana"~

Top photo is of my senior prom! I double dated with my twin brother. I was highly bulimic back then but I post these to show a much heathier weight. Part of me thinks I look a bit too heavy but could be "ana" being a bitch again. Regardless my goal is to be at a healthy weight. It doesn't really matter the number. I could bargain and say I am small boned and make the goal a smaller one but numbers and health professionals don't lie. I am not a number. My goal in general is to be healthier overall~ (Mind, body, spirit).
I have had to really dig deep the past few days to keep myself from restricting again. I was afraid of slipping again which is so easy to do with something so ingrained that it has become second nature to me. I text a friend and he encouraged me in such a simple way but then I didn't feel so alone in it. I was able to really admit "ana" was still ever present but needed to know how to make "Recovery" more present. To do this I have come to realize I have to literally separate myself from "ana". Yes, I have anorexia nervosa but NO I am NOT anorexia nervosa. It does not define who I am. It's a deadly disease I have battled 20 years but does not mean I have to be sentenced to it for life! I can and will be free from it someday~
Two weeks ago I went to walmart to get protein powder to help with weight gain ( I have yet to even use it, ). Protein powder is near all the diet stuff. Going down the aisle was surreal because it's been so long and I started to tear up. For several years I was enslaved to "ana" to spend so much money on so many different pills etc. I can't say too much as I don't want others to happen upon this blog and use it to gain ideas to stay in the disorder. I will say I abused many different pills so extreme that I ended up in the ER dozens of times and with I.V's and hospitalizations due to medical complications from it all. I am no longer even tempted to use any pills whatsover but was so sad of the time and money wasted for all those years ( most likely in the thousands just for pills etc and more for ambulance and medical bills).
I have never been to jail nor do I ever intend to go but of course t.v allows us to see what it's like. I feel having anorexia or any eating disorder is like being imprisoned inside yourself. You can't escape the pounding, incessant thoughts. The further into the disease you go the harder to get out it is. I feel at times I have escaped the prison cell to be let out to the prison yard but have yet to leave the prison completely. It's time to get past the wire fencing. The only way to do this is to admit it's still there and keep pushing forward with recovery and really mean it.
So I sit here after just eating dinner as well as a full day of all meals and one snack completed. I will still have a rootbeer float tonight and make it a bit larger to make up for one missed snack. I have what I call a "buddah belly" that many of us had in treatment last year from refeeding. I hate it but I still wear my cute shorts and tops and will continue to eat and reach out for support. I encourage you all to do the same. Your life is so much more than this deadly disease.
((hugs)) Brandee


  1. Brandee,
    This is a wonderful post to read. I love your positive attitude, and how you are challenging both yourself and the eating disorder. Way to go!

  2. this is a really nice post to read,
    you are so inspiring,
    i've followed you because you give me hope that i can recover, best of luck <3

    follow me :) x