Saturday, July 31, 2010

Single Parenting and "Ana"~

Some of my favorite photos . Top one is of a lady who lead me to know Christ and Baptized me in 1994. I miss her dearly.
I have been thinking about my role as a single mom a lot lately. It's been second nature to me for so long that I almost don't know any different. When my tire went flat 60 miles from home last Saturday I had to figure things out for myself and did. I had the boys with me and had to think quick. I had no husband to call. When I moved to my apartment a year ago I moved most of my stuff myself. When I was pregnant with Jack I went through it alone, taking Seth to most of my appointments. It's not to say I don't have help as I have a lot of friends and family. It's just to say that in general I do things on my own. I once had someone tell me she didn't know how I could live on my own with two kids as she couldn't live on her own with her son and never did even being single at the time. I think part of that was her own insecurities and she would rather be stuck living in abusive situations that living on her own with her children. Many are like this. Living on your own with your kids isn't easy but so many do it every day. I certainly don't feel sorry for myself and do like my own place.
It's hard at times juggling several loads of laundry up and down my apartment complex with two little ones underfoot, going grocery shopping and lugging in several bags of groceries through gates and a parking lot. It's not always easy meeting all their needs on my own but certainly worth it being their mom. I love getting in the car and taking them to Disneyland, the park, to friends houses, and to other activities. It's nice not having to answer to anyone but sometimes I think it would be nice to have someone for me to share in it all. Someone to be there for me for a change as I fill my kids cups up all the time and sometimes life drains mine and I am left alone in it~
I don't have a fancy place with fancy furniture. We have a decent one bedroom where the boys have bunkbeds and mom sleeps on a futon in the living room. We have a small porch where the kids can play with their sand table and have an art table. They certainly have plenty of clothes, toys, activities, friends, and love and attention. I just sometimes can't help but to wish and dream of giving them more. I tear up just writing this.
I have endured so much hardship over the past few years at the hands of abusers, the court system, the car accidents, the lack of a job for so long. Many times I have felt so alone and still do~
"Ana" creeped in last year after 7 years of being ok. It's my boys that have kept me going and made me get the help in treatment last year for 3 months. I still struggle now but more with no appetite and more with being busy with the kids, work, and court drama. What I struggle with is taking time for me. I feel I owe so much to my kids that I rush from work to be with them and plan events for them. How do I do for me?
I do hope to date again soon but not looking to rush into anything. I think my heart is much more guarded now and what I want I can't seem to have and what I don't want seems to gravitate to me in waves! lol
((Hugs)) Brandee

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