Monday, July 26, 2010

Scale won't budge! WARNING may trigger!

These pictures were taken on the same day this past Sunday! Yet the 2nd photo looks horrible. I don't see sickness as much in the top and last photos. Could be the angle but it is me nonetheless! It is hard to take a bath when my spine hurts from the hard tub. My butt bones hurt when I sit too long at visitations I supervise if the chair is hard. I am bony in my upper body and arms. My legs seem fine to me.
Last night someone pointed something out to me. He told me I looked very thin, mentioned my bones being very prominent, and then gave ideas on gaining which many have over the past few weeks when I have posted on Fb. But what he added was "you need to do it". I have had a brand new magic bullet sitting here since Valentines day. I have the ice cream, the candy to go in, the chocolate syrup, frozen smoothie stuff with fruit, and even bought protein powder. I have yet to make a smoothie or use any of it!!
I often say I have a high metabolism and maybe I do but what I don't mention much is I often get too busy and don't think to eat, don't pack a cooler for long drives and visitations, and when I sometimes get hungry late at night and am in bed I refuse to get up and do anything about it. I just dont make it a priority. Maybe that goes hand in hand with not making "Me" a priority. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in making sure my kids are happy, well loved, and get plenty of my attention, and making sure I do my job well that I lose me in it all. I am notorious for "setting me aside."
As I drove all over and sat supervising visitations today I started to think about my dietician, Lisa, and therapist. It's been so long. I text my dietician to try and set up an appointment for mid August when work hours will start to show in my bank account. I let her know the truth of my weight and that it has dropped again. I also put a call in Dr. Waraich to let them know I would have insurance again soon though it will be a few months.
I long to gain now, though have to admit that occasionally "ana" creeps in and says I am not that thin and to not try so hard. I just try and focus on looking upward and outward and not downward at my body.
I am also trying to focus on the fact I have my own place, have my gorgeous little boys, have a great job, and am surrounded by such love from friends and family. I look forward to consistent therapy and consistency in seeing my dietician (and yes you should see a dietician even after reaching your goal weight) as this would be something nurturing for me and which I have greatly missed and suffered from not having for so long.
I did well eating today as I had to tell myself earlier not to wait until I got home to eat. I got so busy with work and had only brought two granola bars for a 9 hour day. I made myself get a cheeseburger and fries and then came home to have a burrito. Will try an actual shake within the hour and try to be accountable to someone for now and maybe start writing it down again. It's time to do this right and admit I need support and help doing so and that my way has not been working. Walking the walk is hard but doable!
((hugs)) Brandee


  1. brandee,

    I totally understand where you are at right now, im in the same boat. We both know we need to get better, want to get better, and are stuck a bit. We both have good days where we eat well, and then days where despite our best intentions, and even though were far from obsessing over calories, we just fail to not prioritize just like you said...its so true.

    For me i needed extra incentive too, because right now while im sick, its hard to remember to prioritize me, im so used to everyone else coming first because my dad was always sick (hes disabled very sick) or my sister who i raised, or my mother who was mentally unstable, or now my husband who has an injured shoulder and tons of stress etc...but i always failed to eat because I needed to, I wanted to, I remembered to put me first...but we can do it!!!! we can! lets work together to remind ourselves everyday to eat three good meals a day and snacks at a minimum....ill check with you and ask you if you ate enough today, and you can do the same for me...this is if you want to.

    Ill never judge you, ill never make you uncomfortable but Ill always be honest with you and kindly urge you to eat can do the same for me if you want.

    Perhaps by our mutual support and by the fact that we are helping eachother, we will also help ourselves?

    Just a thought and i know how reclusive ana can make a person so if you dont want to do this, its ok! :)

    Much Love


  2. A eating journal is a great idea! It forces you to really examine your food intake. Maybe you could have some reward system (a nice pedicure/manicure) for eating three meals a day...even when you are busy. Your blog is such an inspiration to many (me include!) should be so proud of yourself :)
    By the way, this is Leslie, I am on my husband's computer :x