ahhh how I now miss being at a healthy weight! I post these for this blog after getting in an argument with someone who told me I should have aborted Jack to avoid the drama with his father. The comment stung bad because the person it came from is one I loved and cared about deeply and is not the first time he has made this comment in haste and anger towards me. I sat in tears at my lap top looking at thousands (yes, thousands) of photos of my boys and from Jack's birth. I went through pregnancy alone and did just fine. Seth went to all my appointments, as I was a single mom, and he always loved getting a sucker. lol Jack had a bit of trouble breathing when he came out but wasn't in the NICU long and my mom and her husband Jack came down for the delivery (just my mom for the birth!). He weighed in at 9lbs 7 oz! I spent two special days in the hospital alone with him bonding and nursing the little guy (yes I had lots of visitor but chose not to have anyone stay the night as I wanted him to myself!). My parents took us to a cabin as his first trip home then on to Washington for 3 months to spend my maternity leave from work. His father wanted him aborted and nothing to do with him. He is only involved now because his current wife snuck into his computer not trusting him and found out he even had a child. We have been to court 50 or more times since (he is an attny) he met him at 9 months of age. It's been grueling, heart wrenching, expensive, and has neary destroyed my spirit. It's my little guys that keep me going. I was there for his first word, first step, first tooth, first fever, first smile, first giggle, first hug. I breast fed him and held him close daily. He still loves to cuddle and hug and is becoming a great little artist (like his momma). No one can take any of this from me or Jack and if I had to turn back time and go through all the hell his father and current wife have put me through I would in a heartbeat if it meant Jack could be my son.
I was put down today about not being "upbeat enough", about having too many issues, and about my insecurities. The person doing this did something wrong and then turned on me. What hurt so much is my belief in some of what he was saying. I was mad at myself for allowing this pain. I hated the power he had over me. I have spent the past two hours reflecting on why it hurt. Where was it coming from? Deep down I know I am good person and have so much to give and do. Deep down I know that I have two gorgeous boys and that I am not ugly or defective. But also deep down there is a nagging pain that competes with my new found confidence making it hard to connect the confidence with my actions and beliefs. This is what I need to be working on. I also thought about what this person was saying and what another dear friend of mine has been saying through such in depth emails. Total opposite. One seems to be extremely protective of me and extremely helpful while the other wants to beat me down and point out all the flaws in me.
So I sat with tears off and on and took a bath and cried so my boys would not see. I long to be whole and confident. I hate the pain I am in. I am working on not always believing what others say, especially when they refuse to face their own demons. I am definitely guilty of owning other people's pain and issues. I don't deserve any of this. It's a work in progress. For now I just need to let the tears fall and time to heal~