Friday, July 23, 2010

Little Girl Dreams~

Obviously a trip down memory lane! Top photo is of my best friend Jenny and I. I am the blond. We were inseparable for about 3 years. Then there's my sibs and I, my twin and I in preschool and one headstart photo where we were the only white kids in the class so it's easy to find us!
I have been thinking lately about being a little girl and what little girls dream about. I never felt pretty as a little girl and longed to look like other little girls with pretty dresses and long hair with the cute bows which I never had or experienced. I know as a child I often couldn't wait to be an adult to move out and become a teacher or nurse because I always wanted to help people. I also wanted to marry a prince charming and be his princess and go on to be a mommy. I longed to be and feel pretty. I longed to have confidence within and out.
It feels as those my dreams were somewhat out of reach. I was never taught how to reach them. I grew up and lost the crooked teeth, the glasses, let the hair grow out but turned on my body in hate. I tried to change what didn't need changing and nearly destroyed myself in the process. I watched others marry their prince while mine never showed up. Instead I settled for abusers who validated my insecurities of feeling inadequate and not pretty. I was never the princess I dreamed of and often reminded of how ugly and bad I was. I never felt I was as deserving as others.
I went to school and completed my AA and one year shy of my bachelors in psychology. I have yet to go back yet have roughly 4 years of college as I attempted a few times and took dozens of University classes. No teacher here and not a nurse. I do work in a profession that allows me to help others and have been supervising visits for 10 years with bio families and their children who have been taken. I do love working in foster care and even worked with children with delays for 9 years.
I was a people pleaser growing up and still am to this day to a fault. I have tried fixing the unfixable in people to make them treat me better because somehow I felt their abuse of me was reflective of something I did wrong or that somehow I was defective and not good enough. I am a peacekeeper and hate authority and any kind of confrontation. I hate chaos. It's not to say I don't stand up for myself or that I am shy in any way but I do tend to avoid, have a negative mindset towards myself, and often internalize others abuse towards me as my fault.
Now what? I am hoping to start back in seeing my therapist soon as it's been a while and I think it's time I am bit more open and vulnerable with her. I think I have candy coated things even with her to try and please her as well though not always the case. I have really connected with her and cried many tears in her office. But it's hard to sit there and just be RAW! To be completely vulnerable and raw and allow the tears and anger withut trying to excuse it away, minimize what I have been through, and talk my way out of feeling.
My heart aches so much right now. I am tired of not feeling good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and that I will never be good enough for my prince or be the princess I dreamed of. I long to finally be whole with me and accepting of me and go on to shine and attain those little girl dreams~

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