ahhh how I now miss being at a healthy weight! I post these for this blog after getting in an argument with someone who told me I should have aborted Jack to avoid the drama with his father. The comment stung bad because the person it came from is one I loved and cared about deeply and is not the first time he has made this comment in haste and anger towards me. I sat in tears at my lap top looking at thousands (yes, thousands) of photos of my boys and from Jack's birth. I went through pregnancy alone and did just fine. Seth went to all my appointments, as I was a single mom, and he always loved getting a sucker. lol Jack had a bit of trouble breathing when he came out but wasn't in the NICU long and my mom and her husband Jack came down for the delivery (just my mom for the birth!). He weighed in at 9lbs 7 oz! I spent two special days in the hospital alone with him bonding and nursing the little guy (yes I had lots of visitor but chose not to have anyone stay the night as I wanted him to myself!). My parents took us to a cabin as his first trip home then on to Washington for 3 months to spend my maternity leave from work. His father wanted him aborted and nothing to do with him. He is only involved now because his current wife snuck into his computer not trusting him and found out he even had a child. We have been to court 50 or more times since (he is an attny) he met him at 9 months of age. It's been grueling, heart wrenching, expensive, and has neary destroyed my spirit. It's my little guys that keep me going. I was there for his first word, first step, first tooth, first fever, first smile, first giggle, first hug. I breast fed him and held him close daily. He still loves to cuddle and hug and is becoming a great little artist (like his momma). No one can take any of this from me or Jack and if I had to turn back time and go through all the hell his father and current wife have put me through I would in a heartbeat if it meant Jack could be my son.I was put down today about not being "upbeat enough", about having too many issues, and about my insecurities. The person doing this did something wrong and then turned on me. What hurt so much is my belief in some of what he was saying. I was mad at myself for allowing this pain. I hated the power he had over me. I have spent the past two hours reflecting on why it hurt. Where was it coming from? Deep down I know I am good person and have so much to give and do. Deep down I know that I have two gorgeous boys and that I am not ugly or defective. But also deep down there is a nagging pain that competes with my new found confidence making it hard to connect the confidence with my actions and beliefs. This is what I need to be working on. I also thought about what this person was saying and what another dear friend of mine has been saying through such in depth emails. Total opposite. One seems to be extremely protective of me and extremely helpful while the other wants to beat me down and point out all the flaws in me.
So I sat with tears off and on and took a bath and cried so my boys would not see. I long to be whole and confident. I hate the pain I am in. I am working on not always believing what others say, especially when they refuse to face their own demons. I am definitely guilty of owning other people's pain and issues. I don't deserve any of this. It's a work in progress. For now I just need to let the tears fall and time to heal~
((hugs))
Brandee
I am sorry someone said that to you....it's quite shocking, to say the least. Jack is a true blessing, and mothers know that we will go to Hell and back for our children! Keep looking towards that newfound confidence....it will shine onto every part of your life! :)
ReplyDeleteThe person who is saying these things about you, doesn't love you the way a friend should. If this person loved you the way a friend should they would have never made that type of judgment against you. No one can say whether or not you should have had jack except you. If you were prepared (as obviously you were) to be jacks mommy then no one in the world has a right to argue. You have given your babies the world, and you are the one who had to endure any resulting hardships including whatever you went through with your ex his father. You endured these hardships because you love your babies, and you are a good mommy who fights for your babies security and happiness.
ReplyDeleteThose who tear others down are using some form of manipulation or power play. A loving person if they felt the need to coach a friend would have shared their thoughts with you in a loving way. Example: If there was any validity to your friends point, it could only be stated as follows to hold any validity and again this is only IF the scenario held any truth. A good friend might say " Wow you are such a loving mother to have gone through so much just to ensure the happiness and well being of your children. What are you doing for you so that you aren't stretched too thin, and are you ok since you have undergone such an assault of hardships with your ex and his new girlfriend"
A good friend if they were concerned about your wellbeing and felt there was a legitimate cause to mention it, would not have done so in judgment but in love, and there is no way to say what your "friend" said to you out of love.
What it sounded like to me, was your friend made a judgment on you for personal reasons, either because they had a previous situation they dealt with where they or someone they loved kept a child at a time when they felt it was not the right choice and as a result they felt abandoned, or more likely the case would be that they were trying to hit you where it hurt as a method of mental control.
Mental abuse starts by criticizing and causing the victim to doubt themselves, positioning the other person into a place of power where they can control the victim by continually attacking their self esteem in a subtle way.
Out of love you cannot cause such damage...so this friend had alternate motives or else they wouldn't have attacked you in that way....its too low a blow and too uncalled for please dont allow people with so little regard for your spirit and psyche into your world because you deserve SO much better.
The one your meant to love, the one who is deserving of being in your world will truly cherish you, never devaluing or criticizing you because they will respect you, and hold you in high regard. They will not second guess your judgment in such harsh ways, and will value your feelings enough not to cut you down if they do have an opinion of you that you may not like.
So not only is there no truth to what this person has said, but the truth of the situation seems to be that the person who attacked you is the one who really needs some help right now.
Because you sweetie, are handling this quite well considering.
Id be all the rage, and im glad you admitted your feelings about this because you have every reason to feel this way.
I hope you cry it out, then say "fuck you" to whoever brings you that type of hurt, and then set out again to find the connections which continually enrich your spirit, and which do not come with such horrible strings attached.
Much Love
A friend speaking from experience.
D