"Ana" robs us of the very thing we strive for in "her"(warning may trigger)

On my status on fb this morning I asked those struggling with "ed"s what life was like before they had an "ed" or if they could even recall. Some couldn't recall and two mentioned they had confidence before. This got me thinking in how it seems for me with "ana" I was always striving for confidence yet it seems the further into the disorder the further insecurities arose. One may even have been fairly confident before the disorder and completely lost it in the disorder.

Many believe eating disorders to be about vanity. What may start out innocent enough of just wanting to lose a "few pounds" ends up with a complicated, ingrained, deadly disease. For me it became something I could at first control when my world around me was so unstable and crumbling. It then soon controlled me and the urges to purge or take so many different diet pills and diuretics and laxatives became a necessity in my world. Even despite numerous ER trips and the phyical ramifications and doctors warnings I couldn't see past the disease itself. Like breathing air it seemed I absolutely needed it to survive as it slowly tried to kill me.

After 20 plus years in 2009 it seemed I was finally ready to hear the truth while in treatment at Reasons. With Remuda and other treatment centers I was in full denial. After a few weeks at Reasons I finally admitted I had full blown anorexia nervosa. I had may reasons to excuse it away as I no longer purged or took pills or exercised. The denial becomes ingrained through years of isolationg with the disorder.

The top photos are a mix of high school and after giving birth to my two boys at much healthier weights. Though I struggled some during these times I was far more confident than in the bottom photo taken in 2009. So as much as I cringe at times with my current weight being healthier now I also need to work more at embracing it because I feel I look much better and healthier in the photos with my little boys as infants than in the bottom one where at the time all I could see was fat!

It's certanly a tricky disease but in time I do believe recovery to be fully possible!

((Hugs))
Brandee

Eating instead of fretting and watching others!

Just a few from a place my boys love to play at in arcadia clled Jump n jammin. Even adults can play!!!! The boys kept me there 6 hours! Their energy amazes me but so cute to see.

The past two weeks have been a bit rough with ongoing ridiculousness from my ex and his continual lies and harassment but I have managed to eat regardless. This got m to thinking about how it used to be.

I remember before having kids how I would rarely go out to eat with others and if I did I was constantly trying to figure how to get around eating, hide the food, or get rid of it. I suffered for so many years of fretting over meals and outings with anyone. "Ana" robbed me of being able to enjoy good company and just be myself.

I still don't go to restaurants much mainly because of the cost but now when I do go with friends and my kids I am able to fret less and actually enjoy the company. Lately I have caught myself just watching my boys as we all eat together and enjoy the small moments without "ana" present.

I still have my down days. I am not thrilled about my body where it is at but am still maintaining and out of danger and even managing to walk a little more confident in having curves again. I will still need to gain a little more but feel it will happen and I will recover through the pain and anguish of it all as there's so much more life out there and I just don't want to be robbed of it anymore!

((Hugs))
Brandee

Outwitting "ana"!

My pseudo daughter Yasmine and I from just a few days ago at her house! We share the same therapist and were in treatment together and thought we would have a little fun with these photos. We did eat together and had a nice time with her sister, mom, and father. It was nice just being around people who truly understand the ana fight. It was nice to be able to be myself in good company and not hide fears and upsets regarding current struggles.

I struggle at times with my body in it's current stage but trying to hold on to this weight. For now I am out of any danger zone and maintaining where I am while I deal with some heavy stuff in therapy regarding the chaos of this custody battle, 730 evaluation, and my own thoughts on "ana" which can be draining at times. I have been quite raw lately and feel so exposed with my therapy records still with the judge and such personal invasion of my privacy.

I am trying to learn to just live in the moment with everything and take time for me in little moments between work, the kids, court, and responsibilities. It helps keep me from obsessing over ana. I challenge you all to do the same to take the focus off ana!!!!!

((Hugs))
Brandee

Ran over the scale with my car! Just a few times!!!

Just a few photos from a mini family reunion when my mom was down again this past weekend. Love my boys and just spending down time with them.

Of course you all notice the scale. Yep, I slipped and bought one a few weeks ago and freaked when it read 120. I managed to lose 6 lbs according to that same scale then through therapy, and well some scolding, I stopped for 5 days of weighing before I hammered the scale and ran over it a few times with my car.

Now, isn't it amazing the scale is still standing? It no longer works of course but is still in tact!!!!! I got to thinking of how "ana" stays in tact for so long despite how hard we may be working in recovery to hammer "her" or run over "her". It takes so much patience with ourselves and gentle yet firmness in our recovery to keep running "her" over and keeping "her" down and out with the garbage just like the scale will be tomorrow.

Today I grabbed a blueberry muffin and small mocha frapp on my way to staff meeting. I NEVER usually eat breakfast. Then after therapy I ate a cheeseburger and was going to have chips but wanted another. I thought a few moments and "ana" tantrumed and screamed at me but then I told "her" it wouldn't make me fat and to shut the fuck up!!!!! Daily commitment. Sometimes moment to moment commitment!

((Hugs))
Brandee

Minor set back~

You'd never guess how much I have been struggling when looking at this photo taken last night. It's been a rough few days and I kept it to myself until my therapist asked all the wrong (ok right) questions yesterday. I did't want her to know about the restricting or the scale or my thoughts about it all but for some reason she sensed it all and asked without my saying a word. I don't lie when she asks questions but sometimes have gotten sick of it all and will keep to myself from time to time, especially when feeling such shame. She really helped me with this yesterday and I hope to be more open when I see her tomorrow.

Recovery is such a struggle especially when facing other such big challenges as I currently am. I will get back on track and be ok. I am only letting you all know so that you don't hide from it and can be open as well.

So despite some deep struggles this week, I am still able to have fun as shown here and push forward.

((Hugs))
Brandee

My Immortal by Evanescence~ Leaving "her" abuse!

Two of my closest friends from church. Love them dearly. This was taken yesterday after we went to lunch and to go see No Strings Attached. Had such a nice time and the movie was soooooo good! I was laughing and tearing up throughout it! And yes I had popcorn with a regular coke as that's normal to do when you don't have an eating disorder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyhow I was listening to this song by Evanescence titled : My Immortal. Here are the words:


I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/evanescence-lyrics/my-immortal-lyrics.html)

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me


Really read through the lyrics. I cried several times when hearing this song as I bought the cd. It so reminds me of the tug of war with ana and how we are there for "her" yet truthfully she has us abandon all we are and give up all hope to be there for "her". We give "her" so much and when we want "her" to go it seems "she" still lingers. The pain is so deep. We give up so much to "her". Seems we gave everything to "her" including our self worth even though "she" used and abused us. We convince ourselves we are lost without "her" because "she" was good at convincing us we needed "her" even through "her" years of abuse. "She" became the norm for us. Seems we became slaves to "her". We became the care takers. It's no wonder we are somewhat sad to see "her" go yet struggle with the lonliness when "she" lingers and whispers for us to come back. And it's no wonder so many who are abused cling to their abusers and go back to them. Guess the only way to truly break free is to allow the pain to surface and let the tears fall and speak of this deep pain.

Just my thoughts.

((Hugs))
Brandee

The "costs" of "ana". Fricken bitch!

Lovely photo taken yesterday shortly after I had a back molar pulled. It's very common for those with eating disorders to have extensive dental damage from years of starvation and/or purging. While I haven't purged in several years I have starved for 20 plus years and the damage has been done.

I started thinking of what "ana" has cost me and others. Do you ever look back through the years at all that "ana" or "ed" has cost you? Some of what I have lost is finishing my psych degree (though I plan to return this year when loans are caught up), have picked horrible men as father's to my children, have put myself in financial ruin due to picking horrible men, lost a job back in 1996 due to laxative abuse and too many er trips, have lost thousands in ambulance and medical bills which were finally paid off a few years back, physical ailments, and is currently costing me thousands in court as my ex continually uses it against me in court to try and gain full custody. It's been an unbelievable nightmare to say the least. I am sure I may be forgetting other "costs".

The more I think of all this the angrier I get and the more I put myself further into recovery. I am now trying to focus on finishing my bachelor's then onto a master's in social work, creating more and more fun memories with my boys, being in the moment, no longer allowing my ex to control my life and put me in fear through his antics in court and threats in text messages, paying down debt, having more "me" time, focusing more on church and what really matters, and getting braces soon and finishing correcting dental damage. I will be 35 in April and 20 plus years of this shit is enough already. My life is worth so much more than what "ana" could ever offer!

Care to join me???
((Hugs))
Brandee