Saturday, March 26, 2011
"Ana" robs us of the very thing we strive for in "her"(warning may trigger)
On my status on fb this morning I asked those struggling with "ed"s what life was like before they had an "ed" or if they could even recall. Some couldn't recall and two mentioned they had confidence before. This got me thinking in how it seems for me with "ana" I was always striving for confidence yet it seems the further into the disorder the further insecurities arose. One may even have been fairly confident before the disorder and completely lost it in the disorder.
Many believe eating disorders to be about vanity. What may start out innocent enough of just wanting to lose a "few pounds" ends up with a complicated, ingrained, deadly disease. For me it became something I could at first control when my world around me was so unstable and crumbling. It then soon controlled me and the urges to purge or take so many different diet pills and diuretics and laxatives became a necessity in my world. Even despite numerous ER trips and the phyical ramifications and doctors warnings I couldn't see past the disease itself. Like breathing air it seemed I absolutely needed it to survive as it slowly tried to kill me.
After 20 plus years in 2009 it seemed I was finally ready to hear the truth while in treatment at Reasons. With Remuda and other treatment centers I was in full denial. After a few weeks at Reasons I finally admitted I had full blown anorexia nervosa. I had may reasons to excuse it away as I no longer purged or took pills or exercised. The denial becomes ingrained through years of isolationg with the disorder.
The top photos are a mix of high school and after giving birth to my two boys at much healthier weights. Though I struggled some during these times I was far more confident than in the bottom photo taken in 2009. So as much as I cringe at times with my current weight being healthier now I also need to work more at embracing it because I feel I look much better and healthier in the photos with my little boys as infants than in the bottom one where at the time all I could see was fat!
It's certanly a tricky disease but in time I do believe recovery to be fully possible!