Biggest FLAW exposed after 20 years!!!!

These were all taken Sunday on the 4th of July! It was low key with a few friends and so fun. I am not thrilled about the 2nd photo as I am a bit thin there and being so white does not help but I don't lay out as who needs skin cancer!!! I decided to post it anyway as I am working my way up but it takes time as this has been a very hard week. I included a few fun shots but the main shot is my ass! oh and I fully intend to get that navel pierced by summer's end!!!!!!

For 20 years I hated (past tense) my ass. I remember a guy I liked in high school saying I had a decent figure but needed to drop a few pounds, especially in my ass. I was 5'8 and 135. With his comment and being on the Varsity dance Team I spiraled. I did everything to lose weight. Even at my lowest of 92 lbs I still had an ass. It never went away. I hated it so much and focused on other parts of my body as well. It just happened to be my biggest flaw in "ana" eyes!

It wasn't until this year that I started to really feel ok with it. This ass shot was taken as a joke but I looked at it and realized, "hey not bad". I am by no means perfect. Ana screams even now that in the full bikini shot I am not too thin but I know better. I want a curvier body and frustrated I am not there yet! I don't look right there but will, soon!

We all have flaws. It's a fact of life but there's danger in zoning in on it and putting oneself down for years over it.

I choose now to embrace my body and who I am. I have so much to offer and to give and have been held back by "ana" and harsh life circumstances recently. I have to work daily to push through any negativity and choose to rise above it. It's a powerful thing to not only survive but to actually start to thrive.

We can't see all the good out there and see our full potential if we are constantly looking down at ourselves. I encourage you all to look up and outward and give yourselves a break. Embrace yourselves, flaws and all, and start living the life you were meant to!

((hugs))

Brandee

A year since Reasons treatment center!

~Serena, Clare, and I ~

So hard to believe a year ago today I left the safety, comfort, and complete understanding of Reasons edo eating disorder treatment center here in California! I so miss the staff and girls I got to know well and form such a strong bond with (R.I.P Nine I love you!). I entered Reasons on April 6 with some resistance. Ok so maybe big time denial! I remember my first day well thinking I would be the biggest girl there and I they would laugh me out of there. I remember my consultation with Dr. Lisa the week before and how I candy coated my weight loss and extremeties of it all. She wanted me in right away and I said I had to tie up loose ends with work and my kids but would do day treatment in a week. The truth was I wanted to get below 100 and was either there or very close and just needed a week!(was weighed backwards and not sure though therapist said if i got below 100 she'd have me hospitalized and made that decision that week) Can we say "ana" in control?!

The first day was hard standing in the lunch line and fighting back the tears. I thought I could handle whatever but didn't realize how bad I was until I got into the program. I ate mildly (cottage cheese, fruit, and lettuce!) as it's grace the first 24 hours. When I got back from lunch my sister called to say my step dad Jack had a heart attack that morning and was being airlifted to a hospital. I completely lost it and left program pissed off no one was there to support me. I told a staff her program sucked. I called my therapist and begged to be done but she told me to give it another try.

I went back the next day and did my best to follow program. Lynn was a great therapist and Lisa rocked as dietician. They were both tough and called me on my shit which I needed. I still could not say the word recovery becase I didn't think I was that bad. I remember Clare greeting me in the group room and thinking she was way to peppy for this place where they make you eat a shitload of food when you are used to 300 to 500 calories a day plus exercise. Here they made you count when you peed, eat 6 times a day, and never allowed me to even shake my legs in group! I cried through meals and often had to supplement. My first full day there Lisa sat at my table and I burst into tears trying to eat fajitas. She allowed ensure and soon it became 6 a day plus food! A week later it was my birthday on Easter. Lisa said 6 hours was ok for a trip to Disneyland with my boys and to drink and take pictures of my drinking boost! I did just that only 6 hours turned 12! The next day was full day program. That night in the dinner line I got real shaky, lightheaded, and nauseated. I was up to the front of the buffet line and down I went hitting my hip and butt hard. So embarrassed. Not to mention my therapist, dietician, and program director all happened to witness this!

It was either the next day or two days later Dr. Lisa called me into her office, sat me down one minute, told me to come with bags packed the next day or I was out! whoa! I was pissed! The next day I went in patient though was a few hours late! lol yep, still resistent. The first month of refeeding was grueling. I had the shakes, lightheadedness, and extreme nausea. I cried in groups, ranted, and finally accepted I was in recovery and could do this. I embraced the program and recovery. I even had fun cutting up at meals with Serena and some of the girls. I miss late nights with Nine in the lounge after most went to bed! I miss painting walls with Eva in the snack room. I miss it all!(well except the food. man was it a buttload!)

I left still on weight gain but determined. I wanted to fully recover and reach out to others. Then my world came crashing down. The custody battle got worse when a court counselor leaked my treatment to the "other" side. I was thankful the judge was caring and did not allow it to be used per se. But then things with my ex husband did not work out. Three days after moving in my new apartment I lost my job of 9 years. It was a crushing blow. I lost my insurance to see my therapist and didn't know how I would survive on unemployment.

Thankfully the court stuff subsided for 6 months through a stipulation and revising of things. During this time I found out about my father's passing, got in another car wreck on the freeway, and continued to struggle for a job. I started to date a man who showed me what it was like to have happiness in a relationship and treated me well. Soon a disagreement happened with the "other" side when I finally got a new job and court orders were violated by the "other" side and court started up once again. I was devastated, victimized, my boys were harmed, and my weight plummeted. I tried hard to find my footing. I soon lost my boyfriend to it all and days later 3 people I knew passed away within days of each other.

It's been an uphill battle but I am not down for the count. I have learned to barrel my way through it. I have come to the conclusion that I deserve the help I need. I have realized I need to reach out more and have been. For so long I stopped therapy mainly due to finances and gave up on me while focusing on the boys of course but also allowing 2 people that mean nothing to me and wont leave me alone, bring me down. "sticks and stones" need to learn they are insignificant.

My weight has risen about 10 pounds. I haven't gained in a while but haven't lost either. I am fighting hard to hold to where I am and try and gain. Reasons really took the focus off body. I actually think my body is ok and would be better with more weight! I am focusing on my boys, my job at the foster agency, and getting "me" back. When I get there I plan to speak at Reasons as I promised Dr. Lisa on my last day there when I was healthier.

I choose not to beat myself up over not being at my right weight yet and not further in recovery. I have slipped but I am finding my way again and being gentle with myself through it. My goal is to write a book about recovery, not about being anorexic. There's so much more to recovery than people realize and too many books focused on the symptoms and how to be anorexic, bulimic etc. I want to speak out as I do in my blog but to schools, colleges etc. I have so much life in me and need to get through this all so I can really start living. Hugs to you all and thanks for reading if you made it this far!

((hugs)) Brande

Gaining and PROUD! Warning, may trigger!!!!

I am posting these pictures to show how one can go from being a little girl, with little girl dreams of being a princess, dreams of being loved, dreams of wanting to feel pretty and wanted, to the deadly disease of anorexia that robs her of her dreams, ambitions, and life's purpose. I ended with healthy pictures to show how possible recovery is and so that I focus on that and what my dreams are so that I can start living again and moving forward. And I am!

I have weighed myself on two scales this week. I am currently 110 ( I am 5'8)!!!!! I was ecstatic!!! I DO NOT reccommend anyone to buy a scale who is still struggling with their disorder regarding weight and who is under the care of a dietician, doctor, and/or therapist who weighs them backwards. I only have a scale so that I am eating enough and working my way up to 125. Due to some recent stress the past two months I dropped way too low. The past few weeks I have been trying harder. I have to make eating more of a habit as I am just not one to eat much and with summer the heat makes it even worse. Time to break out the magic bullet for some fruit smoothies baby!

When in the disorder many are so malnourished no matter what weight they are at that they don't think right. Your emotions run high or too low, depression sets in for many, and poor decisions are the norm. I made many in the years I battled, especially in choosing men and not finishing my bachelors degree. I sacrificed myself, my own dreams, my ambitions all for "Ana". I people pleased and picked abusers to date. "Ana" made me feel worthless, like I was never good enough to accomplish a bachelors or have a decent man in my life.

Through time off from dating, therapy, and then dating Mike, I realized I was so much better than "ana" and the scum I dated previously. I realized how much I was missing out. I always knew I had a lot of love and care to give and had so much life in me but was giving it to scum and to "ana".

I have now gained about 8 pounds total in the past few weeks and am not afraid to keep going. I still wear summer dresses and shorts when I want. I eat what I want, never diet foods. I do eat healthy stuff but not always. I drink regular soda and real creamy ranch dressing on my salads full of cheese and crutons! I love Mayonaise and meat sandwiches and enjoy my chocolate haagen daz late at night when the boys are asleep! I am eating as I type this!!!! And when I meet that special someone for our first date I will eat a real meal and not be at all concerned!

I am not cured but have such a different outlook. I see the scary skinny in photos and I have dozens as I was a photo freak when losing weight. It's a good reminder of where not to ever go again!

I encourage you all to dig deep and believe in your dreams and goals and believe that you can overcome this and go on to reach those dreams and goals. You just can't do it with "ana" or "ed" or "ednos". No pun intended but it will all weigh you down and make you the walking dead. To feel alive is a great feeling. It's not to say life won't throw curve balls and stress wont come up but to breathe through it all, reach out for support, and focus on the good will help you through and is so much better than being dragged down and losing out on so much fun and fulfillment. I am living proof after having battled 20 years~ (and someday will be speaking in schools and treatment centers on how recoovery is fully attainable and possible!

((hugs))

Brandee

Distortions~

This picture was drawn and painted by me when I attended Cal Baptist in 1995! I did a speech on eating disorders. I am a copy artist and saw this picture on a book which was about 2 inches in size but I can look at something and draw it free hand whatever size I desire.
I found this recently as my professor wanted the original poster board of it so I photographed my artwork.

I remember just last year struggling with seeing "pseudo" fat. I could see it and feel it with my hands so no one could convince me otherwise. This picture is extreme. I think in reality most anorexics who battle this part in their disease, not all do as some believe, see "pseudo" fat in places not all over necessarily and not obese usually. The more I lost the more fat I saw yet as I was weighed backwards in treatment for 3 months and gained quite a bit the fat seemed to disappear!!!!!! I had to trust my team and I did. I let go!

Body Dismorphic Disorder is a form of the disease and many think that's what they have but not always the case. Some have it and don't have an eating disorder.

I have been eating more and gaining. I am starting to feel better but it's a slow process. I am now insecure because I am too thin and want to have a "normal" figure. I still have some fears and my goal weight is low for my height but not too low by any means. I try not to focus on the number but on the health. I try to focus on moving forward and not looking back. I don't have the luxury of therapy or my dietician at the moment but have support through friends, family, and all of you.

If you are struggling with body image, no matter the extreme, I urge you to get professional help. It was through treatment last year that I really took the focus off my body for the first time in near 20 years and really focused on what was really upsetting me etc.

((hugs))

Brandee

Renewed Recovery is so Refreshing!

Taken yesterday. Cheri, me, my good friend Joyce, and her newly graduated daughter Cathy.

To go through numerous court hearings (over 40 in 2 yrs), experience the recent deaths of loved ones, a break up, no job for 9 months, watch the pain in my kids through what they witnessed by their fathers abuse of their mother, battle two bad car wrecks, and lose too much weight to stress then rise above, hold my head up, be at peace and move forward REGARDLESS shows strength and courage. NOT weakness and victim. A work in progress. So before you judge be thankful for what you do have and walk just a mile in my shoes before putting me down for a few tears and anguish to get through these past few weeks!

I posted this on my facebook recently as I had felt judged by someone saying I wasn't upbeat enough and didn't focus on the good in life. For those of you who have battled an eating disorder or who have been through more than your fair share of trials you are most likely to understand that to get through it all one must grieve, reach out for support, and give time to healing.

With that said I have been in a rut the past few months with some pretty overwhelming things going on. Some days it's been difficult to put one foot in front of the other much less get daily things done and rise above. Some days I really have to force myself and it's so difficult. It's also difficult to reach out, really reach out.

I remember about a week ago just having a horrible time. I couldn't stop crying. I was so sad for the loss of a friend and overwhelmed with everything else going on that I drove to see my friend Joyce. The moment I saw her she just held her arms open and I bawled. She then grabbed me a glass of wine with fruit and sat and spoke with me and continued to hug me off and on. After about two hours I felt so much better. The pain was still there but more bearable.

My weight has been a struggle and part of it is I just gave in to not being hungry and didn't try hard enough. If I wasn't hungry I didn't eat. If food didn't look good I just walked back out of the kitchen. It was easier not to battle it to be honest.

The past few days I have been eating quite a bit more. Not quite to where I should be but slowly increasing. I am trying to be more aware. After battling 20 years it becomes a habit not to eat or think about it much. I have to really work hard to retrain myself. I love sitting down with my boys at the table to eat for dinner. Even with this I wasn't eating much as I would stop when full which doesn't take much!

I am now working at eating whenever I go to get the boys something, when I go to clean the kitchen, when I go to put stuff away, when I go to get a drink. Even if it's just a small snack. At Joyce's party yesterday I ate a bunch of snacks then an hour later ate some chicken and then later a few helpings of cookies! I felt great about it. I almost felt renewed in recovery!

I was also reading people Magzine yesterday about bodies and they had several stars in bikini's. As I looked at them I realized some were way too skinny. I used to crave that but now that I am that, and worse, I can even see I don't look good. The bodies I liked were the ones with curves. They were so beautiful.

I am not saying I will gain a bunch and be ok. It gets scary. My goal is low end for my height of 5'8 and 125/130 but that's a lot healthier than where I am now. It will take a few months but will happen. I am so ready to be healthy and whole again.

I put my all into my boys and their needs and fun stuff for them and nurturing them. I have forgotton myself along the way!

I hope you all do the same as I have really been faced with life is way too short and we only get one shot at it. It can be taken so quickly.

((hugs))

Brandee

Eating Disorders KILL. Plain and simple! R.I.P Nine!

First off I would like to say "Nine" (far right) R.I.P. You were loved by many and will be missed. Our hearts just ache over the loss of you. You have touched so many with such a beautiful spirit and love of life. You came so far to overcome years of this deadly disease and it hurts so bad that you aren't here living life without this disease. We love you Nine!

Death is never easy to deal with. The pain is deep and very real. This disease is very real and very deadly.

I recently read a comment someone put on my Karen Carpenter tribute. She or he was more concerned to correct facts, incorrectly I might add, than to notice this disease simply kills whether traces of ipecac were found in Karen's system or not.
People have died from choking on bread or other items through trying to purge. Alive one moment and dead moments later. That's all it takes. Some have died just months into the disorder because they had a weaker heart to begin with or electrolyte imbalance happened fast. Alive one moment and dead the next without warning.

You can hit your head from passing out and die that way. yep. that simple. You can pass out while driving and get in a wreck that way.

I get so tired of girls and some guys thinking it wont happen to them because they will stop once they reach that magic number! So many die before ever getting there. And once you get to a certain weight, different for everyone, you can lose your will to live and will to eat at all and your body starts to eat itsef (ketosis). This includes your brain. You slur your speech, can't focus, get aggitated and bitchy extremely easy. Your emotions become out of whack. This I speak from experience. Sure I had a goal and once I got to double digits it wasn't enough and I couldn't stop.

And let's not forget the tooth decay, gum disease, hair loss, dry skin, muscle spasms, heart palpitations, extreme exhaustion, and loss of memory to name a few. This all can pretty much be a guarantee of these deadly diseases. And did I forget possible tears in the esophagus that have to repair themselves and are excruciatingly painful for months on end (yep been there done that). No cure for that!

This isn't an attention seeking disease. This isn't to be admired. This is deadly, extremely deadly. You are playing with fire and once you get in and stay too long you are in it for years on end and climbing your way out is dangerous and painful as well. It can happen and recovery is by all means possible but takes time, money, energy, patience, and has health risks in refeeding process and the stability of electrolytes etc.

This is not fun and games. It's not to be mocked like some competition. To even idolize this as pro ana people do is so incredibly sick in itself.

This is becoming wide spread so if you feel yourself falling into this please seek help immediately. Do not be ashamed of it. Be patient and nuturing of yourself to get the help you so deserve. Get the hugs and support and acceptance through love and understanding from those who care.

I have battled 20 years, been in and out of treatment months at a time, and continue to try to work my way out of it. In the past 2 days I have actually had some of an appetite and been excited about it because it's been so long and scary as I have dwindled down so low again. I am scared for myself but am reaching out. I hope you all will as well.

((hugs))

Brandee

Back to blogging~ Standing up for my passion in this!

Hey everyone. Through a lot of thought and too much stress to try and redo or move this blog I decided to keep it. This blog has been my passion to get better, be honest about the rough road of recovery, to expose the realities of recovery and this deadly disease, and to hopefully help other sufferers. Using this blog against me by anyone just further proves their lack of character and shows how shallow, insensitive, and how miserable their own life is and they are.
It has been a rough few weeks to say the least or more likely the past two months. I am being dragged back into court due to outlandish lies and false accusations but holding my own and doing well. It's more annoying than anything. I have been to court over 40 times in 2 1/2 years and have 4 court dates this month alone! Insanity at its finest.
With that said I have lost 3 friends in 10 days time to death. I have sobbed so many times in my car and in the shower and have felt such incredible loss and pain. It's hard to even talk about at this point as it's all so recent and so raw. This alone makes court just seem insignificant.
I did finally get a job at a foster agency and love what I do. It has been such a blessing.
The boys are growing and changing so much day to day. Both are incredibly smart and fun loving. Being a single mom has its challenges but the looks on their faces, the tight little hugs, the cute little things they do make the challenges seem minuscule.
I have been struggling with my weight but not with body image. I am 5'8 and down to 103. Sorry if numbers trigger. It's not my intention but it is what it is and it's honest. "Ana" would scream go lower and you are so close to double digits" but I have no goals to lose. There's been so much stress with the court crap, financial stresses, and theses recent deaths that I am simply overwhelmed and heart broken. I feel stress in my stomach and struggle with no appetite. Many of you may think losing a few pounds to get near anorexia will be okay without realizing that soon enough you could be stuck in it and not be able to get out of it. I struggle with this. I am not saying I don't have some insecurities with my body but at this moment it's stress. I have had far too many disappointments and far more than my share of stressors the past 2 months.
Praying soon for therapy and to be back with my dietitian but for now it's about my kids and day to day getting through~
((Hugs)) to you all. Let me know how you all are doing.
Brandee