Tuesday, December 15, 2009

What's in a size? Can you really tell? really? look again!

ok so these photos were taken tonight and this time I am posting them for a reason even with insecurities about how I look!

I won a 100 dollar kohls gift card through a sweepstakes and received a walmart gift card from a close friend. I needed jeans badly because I am gaining and got rid of all my double 00's, 0's, 1's, and 2's. I am 5'8 and on the low end should at least be a 5 maybe 7. So as I was shopping clearance, because even with a gift card I am bargain queen, I noticed my beloved "ana" sizes were the cheapest and there were plenty to choose from. ugh of course I couldn't buy them so on to bigger, NO, HEALTHIER sizes. Took a while and several racks but found a few pairs of jeans and low and behoold they were different sizes yet fit nearly the same!!!! Go figure. And I bought 4 pair for 6, 12, 15, and 22 bucks! and the 22 dollar ones were Candies brand and love them because the little black ribbon with beads for the belt. lol I am a girly girl!

So I started thinking about how oftentimes I would want to be smaller than small, emaciated, in little girl sizes yet no matter how small the size I always thought I looked big. I thought the sizes lied to me. I would define myself by a size. I would beg Dr.Waraich to tell me the double 00 abercrombie jeans were really a 7 or that my size 16 girl's roxy shorts were really a junior 5. No way was I anorexic! and if I ever believed the sizes I were wearing were true then I would have to admit I was anorexic! sick and twisted huh?!

Here's my point. The jeans in these pictures range from 5 to 9!!!!! Did I say 9? Did I admit 9!? Can you tell? Can you tell which are the 5's, which are the 7's, which are the 9's? I took photos at different angles and I look bigger or healthier in some of the photos than others. My point is no one gives a shit what size we are yet we focus on that. I know the 9's are like a 3/5 because that's technically where I am right now so do I look at the 9 and lie and say I am huge when a 9 for someone who is 5'8 is normal? Nope. I bought the jeans and like the way they feel. They are comfortble. Not too loose, not too tight.

It's not easy being this weight. I still see fat and want to be thinner but I want recovery more. As some who read my blog a few entries ago I admitted to now being 116 pounds. That was about 3 weeks ago though not sure now as Dr. Waraich documents my weight when I am able to see her without skipping a beat. In other words the woman never forgets to weigh me backwards and she's so nonchalant about it which I so love about her.

I have had a rotten few days but recovery is my choosing despite set backs. I am feeling the pain IN recovery, not the fat OF anorexia.

Build your support team, reach out, be brutally honest and recovery is yours for the taking~




  1. aww i am so proud of you

  2. You look fantastic, Brandee. Truly fantastic. So very proud of you.

    Hope the days ahead are easier for you.


  3. I'm proud of you, honestly. Keep up the good work! Don't let ED keep taking over! He lies to us all.