ok so these photos were taken tonight and this time I am posting them for a reason even with insecurities about how I look!
I won a 100 dollar kohls gift card through a sweepstakes and received a walmart gift card from a close friend. I needed jeans badly because I am gaining and got rid of all my double 00's, 0's, 1's, and 2's. I am 5'8 and on the low end should at least be a 5 maybe 7. So as I was shopping clearance, because even with a gift card I am bargain queen, I noticed my beloved "ana" sizes were the cheapest and there were plenty to choose from. ugh of course I couldn't buy them so on to bigger, NO, HEALTHIER sizes. Took a while and several racks but found a few pairs of jeans and low and behoold they were different sizes yet fit nearly the same!!!! Go figure. And I bought 4 pair for 6, 12, 15, and 22 bucks! and the 22 dollar ones were Candies brand and love them because the little black ribbon with beads for the belt. lol I am a girly girl!
So I started thinking about how oftentimes I would want to be smaller than small, emaciated, in little girl sizes yet no matter how small the size I always thought I looked big. I thought the sizes lied to me. I would define myself by a size. I would beg Dr.Waraich to tell me the double 00 abercrombie jeans were really a 7 or that my size 16 girl's roxy shorts were really a junior 5. No way was I anorexic! and if I ever believed the sizes I were wearing were true then I would have to admit I was anorexic! sick and twisted huh?!
Here's my point. The jeans in these pictures range from 5 to 9!!!!! Did I say 9? Did I admit 9!? Can you tell? Can you tell which are the 5's, which are the 7's, which are the 9's? I took photos at different angles and I look bigger or healthier in some of the photos than others. My point is no one gives a shit what size we are yet we focus on that. I know the 9's are like a 3/5 because that's technically where I am right now so do I look at the 9 and lie and say I am huge when a 9 for someone who is 5'8 is normal? Nope. I bought the jeans and like the way they feel. They are comfortble. Not too loose, not too tight.
It's not easy being this weight. I still see fat and want to be thinner but I want recovery more. As some who read my blog a few entries ago I admitted to now being 116 pounds. That was about 3 weeks ago though not sure now as Dr. Waraich documents my weight when I am able to see her without skipping a beat. In other words the woman never forgets to weigh me backwards and she's so nonchalant about it which I so love about her.
I have had a rotten few days but recovery is my choosing despite set backs. I am feeling the pain IN recovery, not the fat OF anorexia.
Build your support team, reach out, be brutally honest and recovery is yours for the taking~