Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Do I look fat?...

These are random and the top photo is my wonderful, caring, loving, supportive, strict therapist! I adore her!
Anyhow I only put a few random photos as I took many photos during my time in the throws of anorexia. I was constantly taking photos in hopes of seeing some thinness. I tried different angles, lighting, outfits etc and NEVER did I see ANY thinness. I never felt like a "STAR ANOREXIC". I never saw illness. I never thought anything was wrong with me other than I was "fat". I was disappearing weekly before my therapist eyes and despite her warnings, confrontations, care etc I couldn't see past what was staring back at me in the mirror ,"FAT", and below that "FAT" was even more fear because below it was me:(.................
I was bruised and broken for so many years. I hated me and still do but am getting better slowly. Facing me has been so incredibly painful and continues to be.
Today I saw my therapist. She noticed color in my face and I looked a bit different. She said I was still very thin but looked better. I was grateful this time for hearing this. "Ana" didn't have time to scream "fat" like she would before because Recovery is much stronger. So sitting in session we talked about a few painful things and I cried so hard but you know what? I didn't starve. I felt, I cried, she hugged me, I was ok. She still weighed me backwards and still cares and I am really trusting her and letting her in. Now if only I can continue ebay sales to see her weekly instead of once a month!
Anyhow I titled this blog "Do I look fat" because so many years and thoughts have been spent on "do I look fat" and "am I thin yet" and "how skinny can I be". In our sick distortions it seems all we think about it how to appear, be, and live emaciation yet in the disorder we won't see it until we choose recovery and see disgusting pictures of ourselves later on.
Set aside the weight part for a day, a week and try "feeling" without the crutch of Ed. See what happens. It's so freeing to be able to feel the pain and be able to eat after!


  1. Brande, what a powerful post.

    I am so happy you have such a wonderful therapist and such a great relationship with her. That is a great picture of the two of you. Her warmth and kindness shines through in her photo (as does yours :^)

    You know, you are so beautiful inside and out. What's there to hate about yourself? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You have a beautiful soul and one rockin' sense of humour.

    I'm so glad you're starting to let positive feelings about yourself replace those self-loathing thoughts.

    And to answer your question: "Do I look fat?" Hell, no! I'd like to see some more curves on you, girl, so keep chowing down. Hear?

    Hugs and kisses,

  2. Medusa you crack me up to no end! You have also been such an inspiration through your blog and our emails back and forth.
    Dr. Waraich is a gem that I feel God placed in my life for a reason. I don't deserve her yet so grateful for her. Every time I see her I feel more connected and trust her more. I pray other sufferers are fortunate as I am to have such a therapist and never give up hope~
    Big tight Hugs Medusa!!!!

  3. I'm sorry to hear about your relapse and such. The whole picture thing is something that I did for...well...the entire time that my problem was strongest. I tossed them all out, burned them, deleted them off my computer. It is a really, truly liberating feeling that I felt, even though I knew that the disease would never fully disappear, I felt like, whatever happened next, I could confront it knowing what I knew after the worst of it. It's the best thing that I can reccommend you to do...If you are anything like me, which is sounds like you are, you scrutinize these pictures for what seems like eternity, finding flaws that, and I know you know this, that aren't there. You look beautiful, all of us suffering this are beautiful. WE are the ones who, unfortunately, don't believe it. I am glad that you are seeing a therapist. I tried to go to one once and confess what was happening to me, over time, b/c I couldn't just spill it all at once and she didn't understand that it took me time. I was dismissed after four sessions by her suggestion. I started seeing a counselor at my college, was fully open with her, and things were going better, but then, and I have no idea why, I quit going. Now I'm too nervous to go back.

    I hope that we can all be a support system for each other. I feel an unspoken connection because of you and Medusa's kindness. I feel very open, where as, before, I couldn't talk to the people I was going through this with because they were all 'pro-ana' and we know how that goes.

    You have inspired me, so you should reward yourself for it! Before I got on here I'd only eaten two granola bars, two bannanas, and a cup of coffee and a glass of orange juice today, and I've been up since 6am, it is now 3 am the next day. Because of your encouraging words, I am now going to go make myself some soup, and down it...and KEEP it down.

    I am so thankful to have met you two, it really is helping me, even if only a little, any help is a blessing. THANK YOU!

    A tip for you maybe, if you want-sometimes it helps me, but we're all different : )
    try wearing baggier clothes-they will make you feel smaller while you put weight on...Which is wonderful...I'm just trying to be okay with NOT losing more weight. Boo ME.


    P.S.-is that you in the pic of the hotdog and mustard? The little girl is SOOO adorable! Those costumes made me smile immensly!

  4. Sorry, if that cute little mustard is aboy. : (
    I feel embarassed now because I don't know ...I'm in such shame...the picture is small though...(excuses) Anyway, I also forgot to talk about how I'm an ebay fanatic! love ebay! just thought I'd share after seeing you post auctions.

    -JAc (again, and in shame-lol)

  5. Jac~ Your comments mean the world and no need to feel any shame. Jack is my youngest and who could tell with a hat and mustard suit!!!!!
    I was in tears reading the part where you finally ate more today!!!I know it's not easy and wish I could hug you to encourage you through your trumphs and pain and all.
    Let me clarify to you and Medusa: My title is like a spoof in a sense. I wrote it to catch attention to the fact we all compare and scrutinize. and while I still struggle with I wasn't thin enough I also am not triggered anymore by my photos. I don't delete or throw them out because they remind me of how far I have come. I also don't dwell on them. I have only posted a few on a few of my posts and the more extreme on a much later post I did in the beginning.
    I really hope you can continue to be more open and turn to Medusa and I (Barb and I) and even others who truly understand the pain and agony you are in. I also hope you can see a therapist. I was like you in I saw a few then stopped then through my mother's urging because of a huge custody battle I was in I started seeing Dr. Waraich last year. I adore her and my dietician Lisa though due to finances can't see Lisa right now.
    I did the baggier clothes thing for a while but I am ok now. I have some down days but wear things that fit somewhat, not too tight, not too lose. I got rid of all the "anorexic" clothing before coming out of treatment! You are so right!!!
    Stay in touch~