Saturday, December 12, 2009

Regrets when life really is too short and cut short~

These were taken today! It took me 3 tries to get the cake to turn out ok! I have a knack for drawing things I see, copy artist, so I thought a cake would be well "a piece of cake" easy! No way. Not too bad and the boys loved it! We spent the day at my sister's for a family birthday party for the boys! You wouldn't guess by the photos how much time was spent crying and falling apart just hours before~
I had been thinking and reflecting a lot about my bio father this past summer. I wanted to "reconnect" and allow him to meet Jack and see Seth again. Due to the hospitalization, loss of home, loss of job, and tough times it never happened. So this morning I called him. I got his machine which only stated his wife's name and her voice. An hour later my message was returned but it wasn't what I expected.
My father passed away of lung cancer this past June. No call to inform my twin brother and I he even had cancer. No call to say he died. No funeral. No graveside for closure. Nothing.
I regret not having a better relationship with him though I tried and I saw him off and on through the years by my effort, not his. I was extremely close to my Grandma though, his mother, and she passed a few years ago which was the last time I spoke to him as he did not attend her funeral in Idaho in which my twin brother and I handled everything.
He was an alcoholic, a quiet one from what I know. He smoked cigars and read the Bible and stayed a hermit. He had 3 kids, my older sister Sammie wanted nothing to do with him or us.
I am sad he's gone. Sad I waited. Sad I let his neglect get the better of me and didn't respond sooner. Sad Jack ever got to meet him.
I am thankful he gave me life~
At the moment I am mixed up, in shock, angry, hurt, and sad~
I ate today regardless. not much but I ate~


  1. Okay, now I am crying....I am so sorry. That is devastating. I am so very sorry that you were unable to reconect with him before his passing. I usually know what to say when something of this nature happens...but it just doesn't seem right when its not face to face. I wish I could do or say something to make things less shitty. I really wish I could, but everything that I want to say seems like it'd be really mis-translated and poorly conveyed.
    Really, I can't say enough how much sadness I feel for you. Write me if you need to talk.-Jac

    P.S.-I know this might be a bad time to say this, but I hope that you are able to stay strong. You HAVE to be strong at these times, especially against your ED. Ana (that bitch) finds these moments, as you know, the best time to start wispering.

  2. Oh, Brande, I am so sorry to hear the news of your father's passing. What a shock for you.
    My sincerest condolences.

    Your strength amazes me. You pulled yourself together after getting that devastating news and carried on with the birthday party for Jack and Seth. That takes so much courage and love.

    And your Mario cake rocks! What a fantastic job you did. You are a very talented artist.

    I'm SO proud of you.

    Big hugs,