Self "restructive" behaviors!

Just random shots of the boys and I on 4th of July with my sister and friends and some pool shots! The bikini one was just taken today!

I have been through my continued share of stress with court and the insanity of my ex but have managed through it without leaning on "ana" or any self destructive behaviors. My therapist in a recent session spoke with me about ways of coping other than always turning the anger and sadness in on myself which many of us with eating disorders tend to do. We self harm in so many ways because god forbid we actually put the blame where it belongs and actually learn to take care of ourselves and move forward.

So if we are so quick to do self destructive behaviors when stressed, sad, lonely, angry, mistreated, abused etc such as starvation, purging, over eating, self mutilation, drugs etc then why can't we be just as quick to do "restructive" behaviors??? Such as self care like a nice warm bath with candles, painting our nails, reading a good book, going out to the movies alone or with a friend, talking it out, and giving ourselves time to process and get through without such a rush to push it all aside??? I have started this. I remember one night ,about a week ago, just being completely overwhelmed and I laid down on the couch and cried silently for about an hour. I didn't do anything. I didn't run to "ana". I simply allowed myself the time to "heal" and the next day felt better. I wasn't cured of the pain and still was down but not as down. I have since relaxed by the pool and paced myself in other areas of stress and am slowly doing better. Not cured! I cried even just moments ago but I will be okay, especially because I have therapy tomorrow!!! hehe

Recovery is possible~

((Hugs))
Brandee

Exposing "ana"~

These were all taken just a few days ago at my friend's apartment. I love Tiffany dearly and thrilled to have found her after so many years! Excuse my ghostly whiteness in the photos. I have to say after several hours at the pool I am no longer white. hehehe I am thrilled my 4 year old was swimming to me several times and did so well! God I love my boys! My 8 year old does flips now!

I certainly have a few more pounds to gain for a healthier me. I was a little insecure here but decided not to invite "ana" to the pool and instead we enjoyed Carl's jr as well as plenty of snacks all day! "ana" screams when I say I see thinness in these photos but it's something I am dealing with and exposing.

With so much insanity with the custody battle and trial looming I hurt a lot inside but am staying focused on what matters and that is my boys and my health. If I can get through all this as well as recover from such a deadly disease then I should be able to overcome just about anything! Knock on wood!

Recovery sucks sometimes and eating is hard, merely because I don't have an appetite. The heat doesn't help either but I try to drink the calories instead!

30 day challenge didn't work well for me with so much going on but doesn't mean I am not eating! Just means I am not writing it all down at the moment! But I certainly eat better and enjoy it once in a while! Baby steps but definitely feel I am on this road to stay this time~

((Hugs))
Brandee

30 Day Challenge and back to blogging!!!!!

Good to be back! Top photo was taken just yesterday!!!! I am thrilled to say I found my long lost friend Tiffani after 17 years and such a sad parting. We had been through a lot together and met yesterday when we took our kids to lunch. We acted as though 17 years had not even passed!!!! I have had so much fun texting her and goofing off and look forward to a beach trip next weekend with her and movie with our kids! She just "gets" me and understands me on so many levels. I long o vong e yong o u Tiff!

The lower photos are of my boys and I 3 weeks ago. I took them to palm springs and had so much fun with them. While "ana" still sees "pseudo fat" in these photos "recovery" screams too thin! Regardless we had a good time and I have obviously gained in the last 3 weeks if you care to compare the photos. I know it isn't about weight but rather health but for the sake of what this blog is about I am being blunt because it's my blog! lol

Wow has it been a while! Took a break with court getting even crazier with my therapy and hospital records being released to my ex who was able to get this wierd psychologist friend who is totally biased and cocky to now be an expert witness in analyzing these records with not ever knowing me or speaking a word to me and being a close "friend" to my ex! Figure that one out!!!! SICK!

My laptop also crashed and I was waiting 2 weeks for a new one to arrive after jumping through some hoops!

Despite it all I continue to see my therapist twice a week, work near full time now, and focus on my boys and recovery!

A few weeks ago I put myself on a 30 day challenge to write a food journal and increase my intake to actual weight gaining. Since I have a huge stack of my hospital records now I have been able to see what I am supposed to consume and what my goal is though I still refuse to step forward on a scale and feel much safer with Dr.Waraich weighing me twice per week! And she doesn't say or breathe shit when she weighs me! lol damn!

I decided to journal through it all. The first 5 days I did fairly well. Then the stress of missing my youngest who was on vacation with his father 12 days, without ever being allowed to call me, started to hit me. I worked more and spent time with my older son but struggled as this was the longest he had ever been away and I thought it cruel of his father and his mate. I prayed a lot and tried to focus on my personal issues in therapy. I had much support and did not allow myself to isolate too much. I was off track a few days and then decided to start where I left off instead of throwing in the towel or starting completely over.

I am now officially on day 11 and doing well though need to get to my goal of (here's a number and sorry) 3500 calories. I still hate eating and it is hard when I am programmed for over 20 years to ignore hunger pains and my wants and needs in general (hence why I picked abusive men as fathers). I have to really make myself and try to be held accountable through my fb statuses as well as I have to show everything to my therapist every session and she NEVER forgets to ask, EVER! I swear the woman has radar!!!!

I have "officially" been dealing with "real" issues in therapy and not all these other distractors such as "ana", and other things to avoid. Dr. Waraich has been incredibly supportive through the tears, sobs, bawling, anxiety, and fear of it all and it helps me to go further, deeper, and simply "trust" her with it all and the process as a slow, painful, yet healing one. But I am grateful~

Hope you all can get to this point and beyond~

((Hugs))
Brandee

Where's the justice? Therapy/Hospital records released~

Just a few photos of my nephew and I (he's the 6'5 dude!), my adorable little boys, and my sister's and I from the past month or so.

To say I have been under quite a bit of stress with the custody case is a true understatement! I took a break from here due to my medical and therapy records being released to the judge and the judge just handing over 1200 plus documents of session notes, weights from being in patient (which we all know is triggering to know!), staff notes, dietician notes, my journal entries, my social secuirty number etc. I feel completely exposed and appalled a judge could do this and would do this against Hippa. I didn't commit a crime nor have I ever harmed my children though my ex has quite a record of violence which the courts have seen first hand. He and his wife have done so much to damage me and my two boys it makes me sick to think of it all. Thankfully I am not them and will not stoop to their sickness and complete obsession of cruelty towards me and my boys.

I do feel completely exposed making therapy somewhat difficult. Many are shocked I have chosen to continue with therapy. But to quit would be to give into their sickness. While it has certainly affected therapy, I am truly grateful for who my therapist is and how hard she fought to protect me. We are all in shock. Now it's time to just process it all and move on from it.

I have struggled with "ana" somewhat through this all, mainly because the stress of it makes me lack an appetite, but I am at least confiding in my therapist to some degree regarding it all and a close friend of mine.

My boys are my world and I have to find a way through this all and not let their lies, negativity, and hate towards me infiltrate my recovery and my very being. It is not easy by any means but I am pushing through by enjoying the boys, reaching out, doing well on my job, and still trusting in my therapist~

((Hugs))
Brandee

"Ana" robs us of the very thing we strive for in "her"(warning may trigger)

On my status on fb this morning I asked those struggling with "ed"s what life was like before they had an "ed" or if they could even recall. Some couldn't recall and two mentioned they had confidence before. This got me thinking in how it seems for me with "ana" I was always striving for confidence yet it seems the further into the disorder the further insecurities arose. One may even have been fairly confident before the disorder and completely lost it in the disorder.

Many believe eating disorders to be about vanity. What may start out innocent enough of just wanting to lose a "few pounds" ends up with a complicated, ingrained, deadly disease. For me it became something I could at first control when my world around me was so unstable and crumbling. It then soon controlled me and the urges to purge or take so many different diet pills and diuretics and laxatives became a necessity in my world. Even despite numerous ER trips and the phyical ramifications and doctors warnings I couldn't see past the disease itself. Like breathing air it seemed I absolutely needed it to survive as it slowly tried to kill me.

After 20 plus years in 2009 it seemed I was finally ready to hear the truth while in treatment at Reasons. With Remuda and other treatment centers I was in full denial. After a few weeks at Reasons I finally admitted I had full blown anorexia nervosa. I had may reasons to excuse it away as I no longer purged or took pills or exercised. The denial becomes ingrained through years of isolationg with the disorder.

The top photos are a mix of high school and after giving birth to my two boys at much healthier weights. Though I struggled some during these times I was far more confident than in the bottom photo taken in 2009. So as much as I cringe at times with my current weight being healthier now I also need to work more at embracing it because I feel I look much better and healthier in the photos with my little boys as infants than in the bottom one where at the time all I could see was fat!

It's certanly a tricky disease but in time I do believe recovery to be fully possible!

((Hugs))
Brandee

Eating instead of fretting and watching others!

Just a few from a place my boys love to play at in arcadia clled Jump n jammin. Even adults can play!!!! The boys kept me there 6 hours! Their energy amazes me but so cute to see.

The past two weeks have been a bit rough with ongoing ridiculousness from my ex and his continual lies and harassment but I have managed to eat regardless. This got m to thinking about how it used to be.

I remember before having kids how I would rarely go out to eat with others and if I did I was constantly trying to figure how to get around eating, hide the food, or get rid of it. I suffered for so many years of fretting over meals and outings with anyone. "Ana" robbed me of being able to enjoy good company and just be myself.

I still don't go to restaurants much mainly because of the cost but now when I do go with friends and my kids I am able to fret less and actually enjoy the company. Lately I have caught myself just watching my boys as we all eat together and enjoy the small moments without "ana" present.

I still have my down days. I am not thrilled about my body where it is at but am still maintaining and out of danger and even managing to walk a little more confident in having curves again. I will still need to gain a little more but feel it will happen and I will recover through the pain and anguish of it all as there's so much more life out there and I just don't want to be robbed of it anymore!

((Hugs))
Brandee

Outwitting "ana"!

My pseudo daughter Yasmine and I from just a few days ago at her house! We share the same therapist and were in treatment together and thought we would have a little fun with these photos. We did eat together and had a nice time with her sister, mom, and father. It was nice just being around people who truly understand the ana fight. It was nice to be able to be myself in good company and not hide fears and upsets regarding current struggles.

I struggle at times with my body in it's current stage but trying to hold on to this weight. For now I am out of any danger zone and maintaining where I am while I deal with some heavy stuff in therapy regarding the chaos of this custody battle, 730 evaluation, and my own thoughts on "ana" which can be draining at times. I have been quite raw lately and feel so exposed with my therapy records still with the judge and such personal invasion of my privacy.

I am trying to learn to just live in the moment with everything and take time for me in little moments between work, the kids, court, and responsibilities. It helps keep me from obsessing over ana. I challenge you all to do the same to take the focus off ana!!!!!

((Hugs))
Brandee