Sunday, September 18, 2011

This is my blog, dammit!














Just random shots. Love the sky one I took while in traffic. Reminds me of looking upward and outward in recovery instead of inward and downward which can engulf us into the abyss of this deadly disease. Love my boys with everything in me. Seth is 8 and continually excells in school and GATE. Jack is also doing well in school now and is hilarious when having conversations with him. Love the angry bird shot as he said he wasn't tired and a minute later was out! Threw in a few random shots of me in recent weeks. No rhyme or reason. Just love taking photos and having memories! And I stole the scale photo from Melissa's blog. So true. I have cried many times on the scale and was obsessed with weighing myself dozens of times a day. It's been nearly a year since I have stepped forward on any scale.

For those just coming aboard, I use photos because I love photography. I have been judged for this many times before here and backed off somewhat but this is MY blog. Not to be harsh but so many want to be harsh to MY blog and MY thoughts which at times is a crushing blow. I am somewhat sensitive because I have a huge heart but at the same time words do hurt and judgment doesn't settle well. It's been said that how we react to others opinions and harshness is on us. To a degree I believe this but at the same time this can also give others the "right" to be abusive and mean to others here and fb and other places like my ex does to me in court (yes, he uses my blogs and somehow got into my fb and was given my therapy and hospital records in court).

With all this said, I can't pussyfoot around this disease. After reading a blog by Melissa Dehart, a true survivor who nearly died from her anorexia, this morning I gained new hope to run this blog as I wish even amongst harsh "critics". I will start to tell more of "my" story and the harshness and realities of how anorexia and bulimia sucks you in and how crazy it can be at times. It's not to give ideas for those who wish to be "anorexic". This is not one of those sites. For those who fear I will trigger them, please find other blogs to follow as I am here to be real. To be quite honest I see photos in magazines everywhere of stars rail thin and when I turn the tv on and see news cast and reported, not just the famous stars. It is everywhere!!!! I do not condone any of it but will post the reality of it.

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and are not prejudice. They also thrive in isolation and secrecy! These disorders make you focus on weight and the number on the scale. It is far, far, far more than that. I truly hope to get this across here on this blog from here on out in the ups and downs of recovery.

Currently I am struggling. Not extreme at the moment as I am in therapy twice a week again but having moments of it. And struggling doesn't always mean weight loss or diet stuff either!

For those wondering, I have battled anorexia for over 22 years. I would not wish this "hell", this "torture" on anyone! Please do not wish it on yourself. Step away from the mirror and look outward to help right away if any thoughts of it come to mind! This is a disease and will suck you in and control you making it very difficult to escape on your own~

As Melissa says, "stay tuned". More soon. Possibly even tonight!

((hugs))
Brandee

6 comments:

  1. Hello, your blog is really inspiring. I am an anorexic with an EDNOS as well. I was hospitalized in 2008-2009 and have suffered bumps in the road here and there. Currently I am suffering some relapse issues but I know it is possible to fight. I am trying. I was wondering are you allowed to exercise atm or no? Cause that was a huge trigger for me...I wanted to exercise healthily but it seems to be too much of a crutch for Ana.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks anonymous. So sorry for your pain in this. I hope you have a good therapist and support during this time of relapse.
    What is atm? oh is that At the moment? I haven't been able to exercise since relapse in 2009 when hospitalized. and though I am not in "danger" zone at the moment, my therapist still says no. I have battled depression though as well and am going to start doing little exercise that isn't at a gym or excessive. I will tell her and do have two dr appts set up. If you are in relapse I don't think you should especially if you fear spiraling. If you get anxiety from not then possibly doing various crafts or activities (non exertive) will help so you stay on track!
    ((hugs))
    Brandee

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree. Triggers are everywhere and if someone reads your blog and feels triggered, then they can stop reading. This is your blog and ultimately for your healing. And as it helps others on their path, like me, then that's a plus! Glad you are back, ~Lis

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks Lis. Your support as well as others helps. I am human and i hurt too. I run this blog so others can relate, turn away from this disease, and/or get help! I still struggle but no longer in relapse~
    ((hugs))
    Brandee

    ReplyDelete
  5. U keep posting girl! Its an outlet for the lies ana tells u! I know u personally and know u struggle but continue to fight this bitch of a disease! Keep fighting sista!

    ReplyDelete