Monday, September 19, 2011
The "thoughts" (and some behaviors) of ana/ed ~
Loving my new apron from the .99 cent store! No offense to anyone but I feel a need to have a bit of a sense of humor as "ana" has robbed me of so much through the years.
The past few days I have been thinking about the thoughts that have gone through my head over the years regarding my quest to become the best "anorexic" I could be.
I can remember in my darkest days of being so consumed by the disease due to both my quest to be skinny (not thin) as well as the toll malnourishment took on my brain (ketosis=ached from it all over my body) that I would catch myself checking calories on shampoo bottles and cleaners. I of course did not consume these products. I simply mean that caloric checking was ingrained and became habit! I also had/ have a bad habit of picking my fingers/feet and in my mind is was less weight! of course it was nothing to even register as weight loss but in the illness in those dark moments everything related to losing weight. I shaved before weigh ins and wore light clothing or if I thought I screwed up and didn't lose I would sabatoge by wearing a lot of weighted clothing. I would chew food and spit it out and then exercise off what may have gotten through. I was constantly moving my legs and doing releves (ballet for those who aren't sure) when doing my make up and hair in the mornings.
I craved feeling euphoric from starvation and wanted so badly to be small with 0 fat of any kind anywhere. I had no time to even give thought to the harm being done at the time because I hadn't reached my goal of "waif". It started out as wanting to just be thin but once I reached thin I had to reach skinny. Once I reached skinny I had to reach waif. I took photos constantly to see where I needed to eliminate the "pseudo fat" staring at me in the mirror. I held my stomach in for hours a day and wouldn't allow myself to swallow even saliva when chewing sugar free gum. I felt confident when I didn't eat anything or even drink water but a total failure if I consumed an apple or anything else.
I swore when I got to a certain weight I would stop but that was in high school 22 years ago. On my quest I did get to my first goal weight while on the dance team. Got right to the limit my dance coach allowed when she threatened to bench me if I went lower. Once I dipped just a bit below even with that I drank water at weigh ins. But soon my quest as I stated above was no longer to be thin but to be skinny so therefore I had to increase the behaviors as it wasn't easy. Screw reasoning. I was on a roll and couldn't be stopped! The thoughts of exercise, constantly moving, and behaviors consumed me. Amazing how I got a 3.85 at Cal Baptist my first year there and 4.0 at Valley college when getting my AA. That didn't last though as I couldn't concentrate for long with these thoughts. Thoughts of numbers and scales and lack of food and how to avoid it and how to simply, disappear. I didn't even like to touch food for fear osmosis would kick in! And did sugar free gum really have 0 calories? what if it didn't and I was consuming calories there? And did the laxatives I took have calories as well? What about all the other stuff I was taking? And when I purged even water did it all come up? What if it didn't? I didn't even feel successful with purging until I saw bile and blood!
And let's not get the successful feelings when my hair started to fall out everywhere. Hair in the vacuum and shower and sinks and my car! Dry skin was my dream as was brittle nails so it didn't bother me one bit other than itching all the time. And when fine hair (lanugo) started to grow I felt, finally, I have reached the double digits and could stop. Nope. Hooked. Couldn't stop. Just a few more pounds and then I could finally be ok with me. Nope. I just wasn't like other anorexics. I was not as successful and didn't have all the symptoms of being extreme as I wanted (another thought!).
So where am I going with this post? nowhere really. Just telling you some thoughts I had while in my darkest times! I will say this, my darkest times were before I had my boys. I never got "that" bad again though close in 09. I still struggle and have some self defeating thoughts but am working on it all in therapy and with another very close friend of mine who lost her sister to this deadly disease. I have not been able to even be in recovery if it weren't for continual support from friends, family, you all, and of course my therapist so please don't close off and think you can heal alone or overcome alone.
I have had many many many thoughts beyond what I am posting here as it's hard to remember it all but it is freeing to get it out!