Sunday, September 18, 2011
This is my blog, dammit!
Just random shots. Love the sky one I took while in traffic. Reminds me of looking upward and outward in recovery instead of inward and downward which can engulf us into the abyss of this deadly disease. Love my boys with everything in me. Seth is 8 and continually excells in school and GATE. Jack is also doing well in school now and is hilarious when having conversations with him. Love the angry bird shot as he said he wasn't tired and a minute later was out! Threw in a few random shots of me in recent weeks. No rhyme or reason. Just love taking photos and having memories! And I stole the scale photo from Melissa's blog. So true. I have cried many times on the scale and was obsessed with weighing myself dozens of times a day. It's been nearly a year since I have stepped forward on any scale.
For those just coming aboard, I use photos because I love photography. I have been judged for this many times before here and backed off somewhat but this is MY blog. Not to be harsh but so many want to be harsh to MY blog and MY thoughts which at times is a crushing blow. I am somewhat sensitive because I have a huge heart but at the same time words do hurt and judgment doesn't settle well. It's been said that how we react to others opinions and harshness is on us. To a degree I believe this but at the same time this can also give others the "right" to be abusive and mean to others here and fb and other places like my ex does to me in court (yes, he uses my blogs and somehow got into my fb and was given my therapy and hospital records in court).
With all this said, I can't pussyfoot around this disease. After reading a blog by Melissa Dehart, a true survivor who nearly died from her anorexia, this morning I gained new hope to run this blog as I wish even amongst harsh "critics". I will start to tell more of "my" story and the harshness and realities of how anorexia and bulimia sucks you in and how crazy it can be at times. It's not to give ideas for those who wish to be "anorexic". This is not one of those sites. For those who fear I will trigger them, please find other blogs to follow as I am here to be real. To be quite honest I see photos in magazines everywhere of stars rail thin and when I turn the tv on and see news cast and reported, not just the famous stars. It is everywhere!!!! I do not condone any of it but will post the reality of it.
Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and are not prejudice. They also thrive in isolation and secrecy! These disorders make you focus on weight and the number on the scale. It is far, far, far more than that. I truly hope to get this across here on this blog from here on out in the ups and downs of recovery.
Currently I am struggling. Not extreme at the moment as I am in therapy twice a week again but having moments of it. And struggling doesn't always mean weight loss or diet stuff either!
For those wondering, I have battled anorexia for over 22 years. I would not wish this "hell", this "torture" on anyone! Please do not wish it on yourself. Step away from the mirror and look outward to help right away if any thoughts of it come to mind! This is a disease and will suck you in and control you making it very difficult to escape on your own~
As Melissa says, "stay tuned". More soon. Possibly even tonight!