Made this little memorial table to remember Bekah, Nine (died last year due to her anorexia as well), and Cynthia Rowland Mcclure (author of Monster within). I refuse to say good bye. I have been reeling from Bekah's death on so many different levels it feels my head is spinning. I can't even speak her name without tearing up or talk about her without crying. I feel like such a wimp because I can't seem to stop the tears which brings me to "purge" a few things here:
Last night I was up until 2 a.m. I was in urgent care two days ago from severe back pain and it hurt to walk or straighten. Last night I was in a lot of pain which kept me up as I was using a heating pad and don't take strong meds due to being a single mom. I sat here on my lap top on fb trying to help others. I noticed some girls "flaunting" their illness using feeding tube photos as profile pictures and then binging and purging and "bragging" about it yet claiming they are serious about recovery and going to treatment. This isn't the first time I have seen this. I have deleted people before who claim to be in recovery yet flaunting having a disorder and appearing to be in competition with everyone else. Some appear to even "fake" the disease. It almost feels like a mockery.
I have battled 22 years. Started with simple diet and depression! Became bulimic at age 14ish! Was good at it but couldn't seem to stop it and soon turned anorexic. My story is posted here somewhere. I didn't just spend the past 22 years having anorexia and just sitting around. I have been tormented near daily by the disease. I can tell you horror stories of what I did as I bowed down to the disease and did what IT demanded regardless of numerous hospital stays and ER trips and i.v's and medical issues. So to be told I don't understand or am too harsh or being judgemental when I comment on someone's photo or statuses makes me want to scream it from the roof top that I have lived it. I have been humilated passing out in college and treatment, in front of everyone. Yes, I have been 50lbs below normal for my height at my lowest during this illness. I have been higher in weight and been worse off inside but still battling just the same as the next. I have been "normal" weight and purging 8 times a day. I have been isolated in it and have tried hiding it too many times to count. I even overdosed in 94 and yes I ended up in ICU 3 days. YES, I GET IT. I understand it. I feel it and know it and I want OUT of it. I don't want to compare notes and be in competition with anyone!
And pain? Yep, get that too for those who say "but you don't understand the pain or I have so much stress." Really? Try court over 100 times in 4 years with an ex who happens to a be an attorney and sociopath who will stop at nothing and who didn't even meet his kid till 9 months of age. Try being in financial ruin due to attorney's fees over 26,000 and counting and still owing 6,000 plus. Try a car wreck with a big rig 3 years ago and neck brace and off work 3 months while suffering in court and losing your apartment. Try being continually harassed by your ex who violates court orders and gets away with it while being behind in child support yet files contempt against you for even filing for child support! Ty facing a trial with your therapy records and hospital records being used against you due to the courts just handing them over to the one who abuses you in court! Try working a job in foster care with such sadness and abuse that can be quite triggering on a daily basis. The list does go on. I do understand hardships. I do GET IT on way too many levels.
Just because I am in recovery does not mean I don't struggle or that I haven't "LIVED" it all! It simply means I need to get through all of this. I need to be able to say someday that I "HAD" anorexia but am fully recovered. It is hell. I look in the mirror and still hate what I see though it gets a little easier when I can just focus on being healthier and focus on what needs to be done and focus on my precious little boys.
I have to focus on me right now. I love to help and be supportive where and when I can and give what little I have but right now I need to start taking better care of me. When Bekah died I text her. I so badly wanted to bring her back as not long before her death we had been emailing and I tried to help her and she encouraged me. I wanted to hug her one more time but hold on to her and say you can do this. I bawled so much. I have been angry and upset and having extra sessions. I have tried keeping her memory alive. I have tried helping others. I have spoken about her and tried reaching out. I just can't do everything. I think right now I just need space and time. I need to work on my own meal plan as I have been a bit "off" with it this week. I need to just be me, without "ana". And I need to figure out who that is without "her".
Because of "choosing" recovery I feel I have no choice but to have a voice now and set boundaries and delete people. I even had to stand up to my neghbor 2 days ago because she called me while I was on the couch in pain and tears with a heating pad and was upset I refused to let her son in when my boys came in with one friend ( a quiet respectable friend). I didn't want a house full. I have a small one bedroom and her son is loud and breaks things and can be a handful. And she borrows stuff near daily from me. I am drained and have been for a year now and it came to blows from her end and I got hung up on. I say all this because it saddens me that I try so hard to do right and give and be nice but can't even say no to who comes in and who doesn't? No wonder those of us with this disease struggle with setting boundaries. Even being firm with my ex on the phone caused numerous lying texts accusing me of speaking derogatory of him in front of the kids which was so far from any truth. And tonight I was called a bitch in text because I confronted someone about her flaunting her illness?
I am still very raw from just so much and still finding my way and trying to find out who I am without this illness so that I can be free from it someday and can truly help others and speak on it in awareness which is a dream of mine. I am really struggling and if I don't take care of me then my recovery will truly be compromised. I am not here to be mean but here to set boundaries and learn to just simply take care of me and protect my recovery and my boys!
((hugs))
Brandee
Oh Brande! I am hearing so much of me and mine right now, especially in the death of a friend and setting boundaries. It is hard and my first reaction is to turn to my food and eat my pain away. And then to have people flaunt how ill they are in front of me would drive me to a binge or maybe worse......I'm here if you need anyone to talk to, love. Stephanie
ReplyDeleteThanks Steph. We have to protect our own recovery. I tend to try and save people, esp on fb and it sucks the life out of me when I face to truly face my own recovery right now and am at a trye crossroads with it~
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) Brandee
Brande-Do what you need to do to protect and take care of yourself. I may not understand the hardships you go through and have experienced. I am struggling right now, but fighting as well. I, too, today actually, was called a judgmental bitch for calling someone out on their shit. It's actually kind of ironic that I read this post today after I had that texting conversation and posted my current fb status. Anyways, enough about me. Take care of you. I admire you for being so so strong and sharing your story!
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