OK so these are a variety going from healthiest on down in my book (2009/2010). Anyhow I post my own bikini body because "ana" hates it in so many ways. What amazes me is my favorite shots are the top two and the butt shot and those are the healthiest!!!! yet I look down at my body and see fat in places!
I was looking at a magazine today with 4 pages of stars in bikini's. I was noticing how voluptuous most of their thighs were. Some had bigger hips and some even had small boobs and wore the bikini's proud. None were skeletal. All looked healthy even though I(I mean Ana)questioned a few as being too big. I know even through "ana's" bullshit eyes I was not near any of them in these photos you see yet was insecure in my bikini every time.
I have always hated my thighs and ass, oh wait and arms and and and. You get the idea. I thought these women are all beautiful and have such beautiful bodies in their bikini's!
My goal this summer is to be where my therapist wants me weight wise and wear my bikini's proud!!!!! Anyone care to join me on a healthy bikini challenge???
((Hugs))
Brandee
Hi Brandee,
ReplyDeleteI check your blog from time to time but have never commented. I am impressed by your commitment to recovery in spite of all the difficult things that you are dealing with. I have been through a nasty custody battle as well and know that stress all too well.
I am wondering, though, why you frequently post your weight and height, lowest weight, BMI, and pictures of yourself when you were severely underweight? I can understand wanting to share how far you've come, but there are other ways to do that. I am not easily triggered these days, but I wonder what affect these pictures and stats have on people who are new to recovery that might stumble across this site. When I was in a bad place with my ED, seeing material like this would make me think "I have to get that thin" or "my weight isn't that low, so I must not be that sick". This can be very dangerous.
Maybe you are posting pictures of yourself at your sickest as a warning to others. But remember, someone who is deep in this illness wont see pictures of emaciation and be saddened or repulsed by them. They will likely be inspired by such images, and see the emaciation as something to be desired.
I can tell by reading your blog that you are someone who wants recovery and fights for it every day. I would challenge you to ask yourself what your motivation is for posting low weights/thin pics, and if it is in line with your recovery values, and also consider what effect such postings might have on others within the recovery community.
stay strong,
Lisa
Girl, could you please try to be MORE triggering? You're recovering from an ED, "anti-ana" and you're posting pics of you in a bathing suit, posting weights of when you were in treatment, etc.? You don't want recovery. You want *attention*. You still want to be sick. You want people to comment on how thin you are.
ReplyDeleteLook, whether you mean it or not, you're TRIGGERING people and bragging. Ohh, you're so "fat." Yeah, that's why you post close ups of your 'ass' in a bikini? Please. Give me a fucking break.
Go get some help and quit contributing to the problem.
brande, it's your recovery and every recovery is different. your journey is your journey, those who leave disparging remarks do not haVe to read your blog. Those who leave such nasty remarks don't realize how far you have come and how badly you want recovery. For those who don't know you...I have met brande and she it committed to recovery. I feel her blog lets her get he "ANA" thoughts out of her head and then they don't have so much power over her. If you find it triggering the wonderful thing about blogging is that YOU can choose not to follow the blog. Brande girl, keep blogging I know it helps getting those thoughts out of your head and out into the universe. Then "ana" loses some of her power. Love to you girl, cheryl
ReplyDeleteI am not sure even giving "attention" to such negative and cruel comments is worth my time. I will say that this blog is for recovery and I will not stand for people who are so insecure and have so much hate in themselves to make such comments to have an affect on my blogging.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't handle it, don't read it. If you are so wrapped up in your own illness that you have to spew venom on someone else who has done nothing to you then you are seriously sick and in need of serious help.
((hugs)) to those who actually "get it"
wow Cheryl you rock. You really put it into words I couldn't find. This is an outlet to get thoughts out and expose the ugly truth of it all and hopefully help others.
ReplyDeleteLove you girl!
Never ever ever give up. Ever. There is hope. You are worth it. Life is worth it. #RecoveryWarriors
ReplyDeleteThanks Literacygirl for the support. I don't plan to regardless of the storm and some negativity. I will not let a few bad apples ruin the whole bunch!
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
What I said wasn't cruel.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you get out of posting these pics and your weights? I'm serious.
Read my blog in its entirety. Get to know a person before being malicious and yes cruel. The one I deleted you posted stated you had done this before months ago on another blog which blogspot deleted without my ever seeing it. I suspect I know you. If it's not who I think it is then you need to find something better to do then waste this time being negative on blog that has helped so many. Funny you have to post as anonymous!
ReplyDeleteBrande... I have not posted directly to a blog yet, but I wanted to let you know that I am proud of your commitment to recovery and being able to do this kind of a challenge. It just show how far you really have come. I am so so so very proud of you.
ReplyDeleteLove Ya,
Erin
Love you too Erin and thanks for always supporting me in treatment and now. I miss seeing you at Reason girl!
ReplyDeleteYou want recovery and work so hard. Keep doing what your doing. Love you.
ReplyDeleteAre these responses directed at me or are they in response to Anonymous's comment? Because I have re-read my comment, and I don't think that anything I wrote was cruel, negative, or disparaging. I challenge any of you to point out one sentance in my comment that could be seen as such.
ReplyDeleteBrandee, did you even read or think about what I had to say? Especially the last paragraph?
They are directed at anonymous though don't feel you fully get it. I don't see myself as severely underweight in any photos posted which is my point in this blog and exposing the ugly side of this. I did read your comment several times and of course "thought" about it. I have tried to point out that I am not the typical 70lb anorxic and that many of us are really struggling even at a more "normal" weight yet on talk shows and magazines they zone in on the extreme ones.
ReplyDeleteI don't always post the extreme either. I have done a variety of photos of my boys and I as well as when I was a kid etc.
This is MY blog. Not anyone else's and not to be critiqued and ridiculed by others.
Did you or anonymous ever think that maybe your harshness would set me back? I almost shut down my blog and was in tears but was that ever considered?
Look at my followers. 87. Look at my facebook and how many I have helped through there.
I wouldn't wish anorexic hell on anyone.
I agree with Lisa had to say. I have been following your blog for a quite awhile, along with others and I think to myself the same thing. In fact, most of your posts seem to deal with very superficial stuff; your weight, your arms, legs, butt, etc.
ReplyDeleteI have been in recovery for several years and in my recovery I have come to realize that Ana has very little to do with these things when you break it down, really. While I appreciate your struggle and your own individual road to recovery, sometimes it feels that you are not really addressing the underlying issues and only focusing on your body image, which is important, but only one small part of the whole.
I do get it, but Ana is a disease that encompasses many things and in my humble opinion, you need to get to the core of your eating disorder and you won't be able to do this if you stay stuck in weight, sizes and continuously focus on others who you feel are in competition with you. Posting provocative images can definitely be triggering to some depending on where they are in their recovery. We need to get the focus off our bodies and place our attention towards what is truly important which is who we are inside.
I don't feel that what Lisa said was cruel at all. I do think that you, as well as others are overreacting and being defensive which indicates to me that maybe a nerve has been struck and deep down you feel there is some truth to what she says. I also believe that your commitment to recovery is strong and like Lisa, would challenge you to ask yourself the same questions she mentions in her post. That would be helpful to the Pro recovery community.
Note, the above anonymous is not the same as me, the original anonymous who offended you so much. So please read what she had to say and take her seriously. She raises very good questions, as does Lisa.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry if my words hurt you. Sometimes I like to add "shock value" when I see something that disturbs me so much. I just want you to THINK, ok? No, you absolutely do not know me. I only saw your blog for the first time the other day and was really shocked and taken aback. This is the honest truth.
I'm not going to harass you on your own blog. Yeah, it is YOUR blog to write whatever you want, but promoting yourself as an anti-ana blog, is a big misleading. I do worry about others that find your blog and are in a more precarious state.
Good luck. Please re-read the feedback you've gotten here and do think about it, not from a defensive place. It's easy to be defensive when you're basically being criticized, but think of it as a constructive criticism.
BTW, what does number of blog followers or fb friends have to do with anything? For all you know you could be one of their triggers. I've certainly been friends with people that I have found triggering and gotten wrapped up in their blogs just to be triggered. So...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I upset you, it was not my intention. I believe in confronting the illness while supporting the individual. And I do get it. I am in recovery from anorexia/bulimia, hit rock bottom, been in and out of treatment centers, hospitals, and care facilities. Because of my ED and the accompanying anxiety and depression I have been on social security disability for the past ten years (but am currently working with voc rehab to go back to school so I can work and contribute to society again).I have lived the hell of eating disorders and I, too would not wish them om anyone.
ReplyDeleteBut I have sat in many therapy groups and listened to the patients talk about their lowest weights and wondered "what is the point? How is this helping anyone?". I think on some level, holding on to sick pictures and frequently bringing up low weights can be a way of still holding on to a bit of the ED identity even while you are in the recovery process.
I'm not saying this is what is going on with you, I'm just throwing it out there.
Again, I'm sorry I upset you. Sometimes being confronted on things is hard. But I am seriously so greatful to everyone who has cared enough to confront me on my way to recovery, because it has really helped me grow. If it helps at all, I want you to know I didn't post the comment lightly. I thought long and hard about it. Several times in the past few months I have wanted to say something to you. I put alot of thought into how this comment would be taken, the effect it would have on you, and the effect it would have on your readers. I did sort of a cost/benefit analysis in my head, weighing the positive impact it would have versus any negativity it would generate. I am sorry for all the drama it has caused, that was not my intention. But I stand by what I said and I think that it NEEDED to be said. I hope that it doesn't set you back, as you have suggested, but rather forces you to take a deeper look at some things.
Lisa
This is a blog, not my therapy sessions. While I share some I don't share it all as my ex spies on this as does his current wife to use in court against me. He was also able to get the judge to release very personal therapy records to the judge for an in camera review. I share enough of what I feel can help others but certainly not deeper stuff because of court. This does not mean I don't "go deeper" etc as I certainly do every week in therapy and sometimes more. I reach out and confront myself often and hold myself accountable to people I am extremely close to.
ReplyDeleteI know anorexia is not just the body but it's part of it. wearing a bikini is not provacative by any means. I will say I have posted one side photo of myself that is extreme but that was it. I post photos to show how it's ok to gain and ok to embrace it all. If people are triggered, that's on them. I don't condone ana mia and pro ana sites etc. when you critique me as poorly and badly as has happened it's like critiquing someone's journaling. I state what i feel and am very passionate about it. I can't be responsible for others recovery, only my own and only hope to maybe help others along the way. Those who have followed a while have not written poor comments. out of over 100 posts I have only received 3 or 4, 3 being on this one alone.
Take care.
"Believe it or not, anorexia isn’t really about food and weight—at least not at its core. Eating disorders are much more complicated than that. The food and weight-related issues are symptoms of something deeper: things like depression, loneliness, insecurity, pressure to be perfect, or feeling out of control. Things that no amount of dieting or weight loss can cure."
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to harass you on your own blog either or come across as being critical. What I said above in response to Lisa's post is just my opinion so please take it as just that.
Those of us who have struggled with Ana or Mia or any combination of the two know its really NOT about food. Its about how we feel internally that we manifest externally through self destructive behaviors. This is the reason I point out your focus on weight, size etc when those things have really very little to do with the deeper issues.
If we can't have healthy discussion about these things within our community, then I see no point to blogging in the first place. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and if you're only open to receiving comments that are validating to you and not to those that may inspire you to dig a little deeper, then I would think that this alone should tell you that you have more work to do. It also shouldn't matter how many followers you have either here or on facebook. Your comment leads me to believe that you are still searching for self worth and esteem outside of yourself which is part of the problem that lead you to Ana in the first place
Having said all this, I genuinely wish you all the best and certainly don't mean to offend anyone- just illicit real feelings that may possible lead to real discussions.
why waste your time? I have had people make comments to challenge me more but they were not negative comments. They weren't filled with sarcasm. They were blunt and made in care and love for those who I am closer to. You don't know me so you wouldn't understand completely. I have done nothing but go deep with this and you obviously didn't read what I wrote about this and why I can't post it as much. I blog because it helps. Go read other posts that don't talk about the weight as much but the struggles of what I face day to day and within. I have been through more hell than you can even imagine and those who take the time to care and truly get to know me are shocked I am still standing.
ReplyDeleteYou come across as a bit condescending. I know all about the ins and outs and ups and downs of anorexia. I have battled it 20 years and been in and out of treatment. I don't need a lecture on what it entails as I know this and speak this weekly in therapy.
There are "real" discussions. You have no clue to this because you appear to be on transmit only.
With all due respect, don't read my blog. It helps me get through and it's MY recovery, not yours.
Take care.
Maybe if you didn't want your ex reading, you'd make your blog private? Especially since you only seem to be able to take the "wow, you're so awesome!" comments and nothing even slightly critical or questioning. That would guarantee that those of us that are trying to actually challenge you a bit can't try to give feedback. It would also protect people.
ReplyDeleteI just completely agree with everything Anon is saying. Lisa too. Sorry that you cannot handle some honest feedback. And that's all it is.
"It also shouldn't matter how many followers you have either here or on facebook. Your comment leads me to believe that you are still searching for self worth and esteem outside of yourself which is part of the problem that lead you to Ana in the first place"
ReplyDeleteAMEN to that.
wow. You re a real piece of work. I again stated I have received challenging comments etc. You are definitely on transmit only. lmao
ReplyDeleteHow exactly are you not on transmit-only mode?
ReplyDeleteBrande-
ReplyDeleteAs a recovering anorexic, I am intensely proud of you for fighting ED and having the courage to fight these demons head on. You are pushing yourself in some of the most difficult ways. Others may say that you are "triggering" - however I see you as an inspiration, your words show that you want and are working hard on recovery. And by posting pictures, this shows that you are willing to fight ED in every single way. I am proud of you, girl. Keep it up!
OK, I haven't seen Brandee's old pictures but I looked at the bikini pictures and Brandee, you are thin. Like really thin. Like, I would look at you and wonder if you had an eating disorder. And maybe you don't see that? That's why I'm saying it can be triggering. I guess if others have seen photos of you as skeletal, then maybe seeing these pictures are comforting to see, a show of progress. And I'm sorry if that's what I'm not recognizing. Like I said, I literally came onto your blog just a few days ago and saw all the bikini shots. I'm triggered, but I'm grown-up enough to take that on as my responsibility. I guess I just worry about those that aren't -- like kids, looking for thinspiration. Because your pictures COULD be used that way! I don't want you take that as a compliment or an insult though so I've really hesitated to just point-blank tell you that... it was my initial thought and prompted my original comment. That's all there is to it.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the progress you've made -- that's awesome. I hope you'll keep making progress...
Wow!! Brandy...I commend you for having the courage to post all of this and the pics and to maintain all of the comments on this thread without deleting. I can feel your pain and can understand. But maintaining the posts speaks very highly about you. Disregarding the interpretations and perceptions of various comments, there is alot to be learned here for the uninformed..such as myself. Again...disregarding any perceived or possible intent....I really appreciated reading this and learning. I have a 7 yo daughter. I am a full time father. I don't know alot about this disease but I have witnessed girls in HS going through this. I will be vigiliant for signs as my daughter grows up. Thankyou Brandy for you courage and strength and I hope you continue on your path to recovery. Thankyou also to everyone else who provided objective knowledge. Rob Rowe roberterowe@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteI think most of us realize that the symptoms of our eating disorder has absolutely nothing to do with food or weight. It's a coping mechanism that distracts us from what is "really" going on. Often low self esteem, abusive issues, traumatic childhoods etc. We learn early in childhood maladaptive coping skills to get us through difficult painful times. That is how we are able to function, but unfortunatley as we grow into adults we continue to use the negative coping skills we learned many years prior. As the person with the eating disorder starts the recovery process, many issues come up that are extremely painful and difficult to cope with.
ReplyDeleteThat is were the true struggle begins..trying to learn new copin skills while giving up the ED. It is one of the hardest lessons to learn. as much as we try to give up the ED, when things are really difficult, emotional or painful. "ED" or "ANA" rears his/her ugly head and we go back to it. It is so helpful to journal those awful thoughts and blogging is definitely a good tool to use. I am not passing any judgements on anyone. I just want this community to be kind to each other because we are in a very vulnerable place in our lives regardless if we struggle with ED's or not. love to all, cheryl
Ps. i really love the dialogue and the emotions that were brought up on this blog. I think it really shows the complexities of the disorder. Brande, how brave you are for keeping up and taking care of yourself. love you girl
i cannot deny that seeing nothing but pics every post has made me wonder why you were so focused on posting pics of your body. I also must admit that it has been triggering for me as well. It is my responsibility that I am triggered, but as with my own blog, it is my responsibility to warn others that my posts may be triggering so that they can avoid them if they so desire. I suggest posting a warning that there are pics which may be triggering.
ReplyDeleteI find this blog very odd. I don't think it is pro-recovery at all. Perhaps thats what you meant it to be in the beginning but really all I see is you posting weight/body/etc all the time, if you truly are in recovery I challenge you to post about the things that truly matter, not the outward things that really shouldn't anymore...This blog is just so ODD
ReplyDeleteAnon:
ReplyDeleteWow, I can't believe we have another 'anon' commenter. It's like everyone's coming out of the woodwork or something.
I'd have to agree with what you said though. I think Brandee uses it as pro-recovery for her (I hope?) but if you look at what is really "pro-recovery" then I wouldn't categorize this blog as that! All the pictures and weights (but mostly the pictures) are just screaming out "please pay attention to me! Look at me, look at me!" But we've already tried to talk to Brandee about this and have gotten nowhere so... whatever.
In all fairness to Brandee, well meaning, but misguided attempts, about these issues are all over the net. Millions of men and women searching for answers, looking for help and support, some who are struggling with this insidious disorder every minute, of everyday- making the choice from moment to moment to listen to Ana or Mia or to kick these to beotchs to the curb, while some are struggling with other types of body issue or self esteem issues. The feelings are very complex and not always easy to isolate and identify as many people have commented.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, Anorexia has become all too encompassing- it seems that anyone who has an issue with food and or body image (and is underweight) is labeled (and mis-diagnosed) as having Ana when in fact not everyone falls under this very specific umbrella. There are many, many girls (and guys) out there that seriously struggle with body image by letting it dictate their self worth. Anorexia is about body image, but also so much more than that.
A common theme I keep seeing with a lot of folks and not just specific to ED's is the tendency to "blame" and subsequently, use whatever that focus of blame is as a crutch (in Brandee's case, the ex, court, so on and so forth). External and peripheral stress will always be there in some form or another and while I completely understand how the stresses of life contribute to the overall problem, it is not the specific cause. I see this happening all the time. Part of the road to recovery is to take responsibility for ones own life and learn real coping skills. In my opinion, blaming others is just another way to stay stuck in the disease. As long as whatever is there to continue to cause one's stress (and there will always be something), there will always be the excuse of "well, I would be doing fine if it it weren't for_______fill in the blank". I am not directing this to Brandee specifically, as many of us do this, myself included. Its something I have to constantly remind myself of and work on daily.
Just for the record, I've been around the block a few times. I am in my late 50's, struggled with Anorexia and Bulimia for much of my 20 and 30's and have been in recovery for almost 30 yrs. I post anonymously not because I don't want to reveal my identity, but because I don't have a blog, nor do I have an email account with any of the above profiles. I would be happy to supply anyone with my email address, for further discussions. I am not usually this vocal with my opinions, but I think open and honest discussions are key for all of us no matter where you are in your recovery process.
Terri
Enough already. I haven't blogged for a few days because I have had to take this all in. I have taken quite a beating here and have had my eyes opened. It takes time and I will be blogging about it but to continue with beating me down is wrong. It reflects who "you" are and issues you have within. If you think my blog is odd or strange or whatever then don't read it. I am human and still finding my footing in it and have made many mistakes along the way. i hurt like hell just like the next person so enough already.
ReplyDeleteHey Brandee,
ReplyDeleteI'm, a little late here but I want you to know that I "get" your blog. You are showing your body because you have one- we all do and that is what it looks like! No need to overanalyze, right?
You are sharing your journey with us and weights and body image and stuff like that is part of the journey. You should not "hide" who you are because of how your body looks.
Why is it okay for obese people to post photos but not people with the opposite issue.
I just wanted to be another voice in the crowd that says I get it. I never thought your blog was anything but pro recovery. (0:
I am SUPER SUPER LATE here. I am triggered by your pics but like so many said that's my responsibility. You are not posting pics of thin fashion models or promoting ED in any way. It's your body you have a right to post it and people who find you or your blog triggering and don't appreciate it can leave. I'm so tired of this whole triggering thing. If I post pics of my friends and I at happy hour does that mean I'm going to trigger an alcoholic? Is that wrong of me? It seems like ED is the only disease with trigger this and trigger that all the time. It gets ridiculous after a while. Anyhow, I just couldn't shut up on this one. I have a profile but no one knows I have an ED so I'd rather not put it up.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time on here and I was looking for a place to get help but with all the negative comments I think that this is not the place for me I would never be able to handle getting pooped on by soo many people. Brandee this is the first day I have read anything about you but sorry everyone is giving you such a hard time. You take care of yourself and good luck on your recovery
ReplyDelete