Ok a bit blurry as my youngest took these but posting anyway. I need to vent. I love this outfit (abercrombie)I finaly grew into but HATE my fucking body in it. I hate my thighs and calves. I hate my arms and protruding stomach. My face is getting bigger and I hate that too. I am still maintaining so don't freak on me yet. This is my point... I am REALLY struggling with body image at this very moment and day in time but wore this outfit to therapy today because I knew it would make me vulnerable and exposed. I haven't cried that hard in a very long time. I needed to "purge" what was going on inside. I needed to "purge" my insecurities and distaste. I needed to "purge" the stress. And I did! (through talking and crying peeps, not actual purging!).
I am at a very tough point right now because of court and my ex being, well, being the dick that he is! BUT I am also handling "it" quite well despite his childsih annoyance. I need to be dealing with body image and why I have such hate for what others see as nice and needing a few more pounds and being a knockout!!!!!!
So that's my focus for therapy and journaling, which I no longer can give to my therapist due to such personal records being released in court now. I am simply sad and struggling yet managing.
((Hugs))
Brandee
I find it extremely amazing that you can still be going through all of this while doing with issues with your ex. I think the body image issues are something that we will all have a hard time dealing with.
ReplyDeleteWe focus on our own bodies way more than anyone else does. I will say that I don't see an ounce of fat on you but I also do know from personal experience that it doesn't matter what others say- it's what you think.
Hang in there- you're a lot stronger than you realize.
xoxo
-Lisa
Brande, I totally emphathize with the hate of our bodies..Your words are what is screaming in my head all day and nite..I am told that the distraction of body image isn't the issue. There is something underlying and as true as that may be..It still doesn't stop the fucking hate voice of my eating disorder. I am with you brande,we can hate our bodies together but also continue to nourish ourselves inspite of the voice of hate..there are days when we can only tread water to keep ourselves from drowning. When i am told I look good or healthy..my Ed voice call's me a fat ass!! How can we be women of intelligence and still let this beast posess us? It's time to get mad at anorexia, instead of ourselves..love you friend, cheryl
ReplyDeleteI totally emphasize with you Brande. As much as i am trying to gain, every time i look down i see this protruding stomach you mention too, and i know it's part of re-feeding and that eventually it will all level out... but in an ana mind, 'eventually' is scary.
ReplyDeletei know hearing people compliment you on your healthier figure falls on ana's deaf ears but i promise a part of you believes them, you just have to give that part of you a bigger voice. Let the real you shout out... cos you look healthier and beautiful as always :)
Whenever I go into a place of disgust with myself, a place where I can't look in the mirror without a bitter stirring within, I stop and tell myself that I need to re-think every negative thought that ran through my mind and make them into something positive.
ReplyDeleteI'm a runner, I run for miles and miles because I absolutely love it. when I look at my legs with dissatisfaction, I remind myself that those legs of mine are what take me so far, they're my power and strength, they allow me to do the thing that I love the most.
there are other attributes that I don't like about myself but every once and a while I stop and think about the things that I do love about myself. I don't own a scale, and I don't need one because if I feel good, then that's all that matters.
Honestly, you and your body are beautiful, and I wish you knew that. Just focus on what you love. Be outside a lot. Make sure you always do something that makes you happy once a day as long as it's healthy. hopefully doing so will advert your focus from your current struggles.
I hope that any of this was useful to you. I feel fortunate to be able to say that I've never gone through anything like you are and i feel even more fortunate to be able to say that I actually have found peace with my self and my body, and for me, a 16year old girl to say that, is an accomplishment. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that some day you too will find peace with yourself. you deserve it!