These photos are from over a year ago. I just love pictures, especially of my boys.
So I started thinking while driving to see my dietician the other day. I was a bit emotional and didn't want to go even though I have the best dietician EVER! I started to think how maybe it was "Ana" not wanting to go and how I was dragging her ass kicking and screaming. I decided that it's time I starve her and FEED recovery.
"Ana" wants me to self loathe, isolate, restrict to no end, go back to behaviors, and ultimately get below 100 again for my 5'8 frame. Starvation is her game and as my dietician stated it so bluntly, "ana" is pure torture. It's not just harming oneself but goes beyond that to torture. I know it's been hell for over 20 years now so why not make the next 20 years all about recovery?
Recovery is so hard. I have to continually fight tricky "ana" who is such a sneaky bitch. Even drinking coffee right now is "her". I can say it's because I have not felt well today and the headache is bad but it's "ana's" pseudo comfort. I say pseudo because it is false comfort. It's temporary and doesn't last.
In order to starve "ana" I have to continually say nice things to my body and go full force with recovery. I need to follow my plan and reach out a bit more as I haven't been. I need to not isolate and not let "her" slide.
Time to fully embrace recovery which is such a struggle and daily commitment. If I can starve myself all these years I think I can return the favor and starve her back so that recovery now has a place to thrive!
((hugs))
Brandee
A q i ask myself daily is "is this me or ana?" and y answer guides my actions knowing that ana guides me in the wrong direction!
ReplyDeleteRecovery is definitely the harder road to take emotionally but physically it's the only road to take..I have to ask myself daily, hourly or minute by minute. "What is the best thing I can do for myself?" that answer is not engaging in Ana..
ReplyDeleteHey Brandee,
ReplyDeleteI love your blog but haven't ever commented before. I love your attitude about making the next 20 years about recovery! That's the best mindset you could have. You know what 20 years of anorexia brought you and it wasn't good...20 + years of recovery will give you your life back! You deserve to have your life back! : )
Your boys are adorable and I can tell what a dedicated and loving mom you are.
Keep fighting!!
Sarah
Hi. I just started following your blog. I've quite a veteran of ED. I hate the thoughts and the confusion in figuring out which voice is which. Know you're not alone. You CAN and WILL move into the right direction :)
ReplyDeleteStay strong
-Lisa
btw thanks for being one of my first supporters. Sorry i had to delete my blog entries and blog will be deleted within a week after everyone has had a chance to read my goodbye blog. You are amazing and I know you can recover. Be Well Girlie. Do it for yourself and on days when you cant do it for yourself...do it for those beautiful boys!
ReplyDeleteD