Being Honest With Me~

These were taken last weekend in Ventura.

Through a close friend of mine I have realized I have not been as open here as maybe I could and should be. I do hold back due to some spies but this is about recovery and hoping to help others along the way.

I still have struggles when gaining and have dropped back down to 106 for my 5'8 frame as of this morning. The truth is I really am rarely hungry. I need to figure out why and how to increase hunger and a desire to consume enough to gain weight which to most would seem an insurmountable amount of calories per day (near 4000). I no longer have fear foods or diet foods. I just don't eat as much as I should. I hate even admitting I dropped because for the first time in 20 years I so badly want to gain! For now though I accept my body where it's at as I don't want to be down at myself at any weight. I just sometimes get embarrassed in a bikini.

Through some extremely deep discussions over the past several days I have been in tears a number of times. This person has really opened my eyes to why I tend to pick abusive men and has helped me to look within and see my value so that I dont make the same mistake next time. I will be forever grateful to this person~

I have wanted to date again recently. I have been on dating sites but have yet to find anyone I even want to meet. Well there's been some who have slipped through my fingers but I am holding out. I don't want to rush.

Today I was moved to tears by this person as they pointed out my exes and their abuse for several years. I have spent so much time minimizing it all. Obviously battling this for 20 years I have spent years in pain hiding behind the anorexia, minimizing the pain, talking around it, anything but face it. Feeling ashamed, deep shame~

The past several years have been horrible. I have sacrificed my own happiness and who I am to try and change two abusive people. I was ridiculed, beat down emotionally and verbally, and treated poorly physically. I lived in fear and hid within myself. I turned on myself. I gave up being me.

I am 34 and just now finding out who I am. The pain, or not dealing with it, has robbed me of me. I can't move on and be fullfilled in a loving relationship until I feel, validate, and move on from the pain. I don't need to prove myself to any guy but rather just be myself and that be enough because there's so much more to me that's been hidden through all of this.

The pain is deep. I hurt like hell right now. Deep down I like who I am. I just need to let this out~

((hugs))

Brandee