Is it really worth it?

These sayings speak volumes to me as I continue my fight to stay grounded in recovery. Sometimes I feel "ana" slips her way in at times at the slightest of stress in life yet my stress is 10 times that with the chaos of this custody battle so I have to fight ten times harder to stay grounded in recovery.

Allow these sayings to soak in and really reflect on their meaning. And then ask yourself what your eating disorder means/does/serves for you? Is it really worth it?

((hugs))
Brandee

Fighting my way through Recovery~

Just a few recent shots of the boys and I. They are quite active and oh so fun and funny!

It's been a stressful and hectic few weeks as the first trial has started and didn't finish the first day! so much for a short cause trial that should have happened over a year ago!

Being in such a sick and horrific custody battle, to put it mildly, on top of being a single mom of 2 little boys, a bad car wreck with a big rig 3 years ago leaving me in daily pain, and the normal stressors of bills piling as well as attorney's fees etc etc etc blah blah blah has made it very difficult to "simply" focus on recovery from anorexia. It's not to say I am skeletal anymore or in danger zone, so to speak, but to be able to focus on recovery and how I am feeling and what's really going on inside seems hardly doable under such extreme circumstances with court every month and chaos of my ex.

Having an appetite under stress for me is very difficult aside from having an eating disorder so it has been a rough few weeks. I have cried after meals and even snacks. I have thought of diet stuff to buy but didn't. I have even had diet stuff in my cart at 2 stores and put them back. I have had urges to purge but didn't. I have had urges to exercise but chose not to. Was it easy? nope. I cried through it all, called my therapist a few nights, and went to sessions and cried through it all.

At the moment I hate what I see in the mirror but then at the same time feel empowered that under all this shit and chaos and sickness from my ex that I am still standing and still fighting my way through "Recovery" and against "ana".

You can too~

((Hugs))
Brandee

Someday Melissa~ A mother helps others in the shadow of her daughter's death~

This is a documentary about Judy's daughter who lost her battle with bulimia in 2009.

Through the years of my battle with bulimia and anorexia I have watched dozens of movies that only further contributed to my eating disorder and desire to get to being a "true anorexic" to show the depths of my despair!

This dvd is about Recovery and of Hope. This mother turned her despair of the loss of her daughter, at the young age of 19, to helping thousands of us struggling with this. My heart goes out to her and her loss. Melissa did not survive her "ed"/ "ana"/"ednos". We can. We are still here.

There is no quick fix to recovery. It's a rough road but it leads to health and living life instead of merely waiting to die of this disease.

I have just ordered this dvd to watch with my therapist but wanted to pass this along to all of you in hopes you will order it and grab tightly a hold of recovery.

I still have down days and days of food struggles, like today, but I am choosing to reach out and admit it without shame and push forward, tears and all!

There is a trailer on this if you go to the site itself where you can also order this DVD. There is also a link on Facebook.

((Hugs))
Brandee

The "thoughts" (and some behaviors) of ana/ed ~

Loving my new apron from the .99 cent store! No offense to anyone but I feel a need to have a bit of a sense of humor as "ana" has robbed me of so much through the years.

The past few days I have been thinking about the thoughts that have gone through my head over the years regarding my quest to become the best "anorexic" I could be.

I can remember in my darkest days of being so consumed by the disease due to both my quest to be skinny (not thin) as well as the toll malnourishment took on my brain (ketosis=ached from it all over my body) that I would catch myself checking calories on shampoo bottles and cleaners. I of course did not consume these products. I simply mean that caloric checking was ingrained and became habit! I also had/ have a bad habit of picking my fingers/feet and in my mind is was less weight! of course it was nothing to even register as weight loss but in the illness in those dark moments everything related to losing weight. I shaved before weigh ins and wore light clothing or if I thought I screwed up and didn't lose I would sabatoge by wearing a lot of weighted clothing. I would chew food and spit it out and then exercise off what may have gotten through. I was constantly moving my legs and doing releves (ballet for those who aren't sure) when doing my make up and hair in the mornings.

I craved feeling euphoric from starvation and wanted so badly to be small with 0 fat of any kind anywhere. I had no time to even give thought to the harm being done at the time because I hadn't reached my goal of "waif". It started out as wanting to just be thin but once I reached thin I had to reach skinny. Once I reached skinny I had to reach waif. I took photos constantly to see where I needed to eliminate the "pseudo fat" staring at me in the mirror. I held my stomach in for hours a day and wouldn't allow myself to swallow even saliva when chewing sugar free gum. I felt confident when I didn't eat anything or even drink water but a total failure if I consumed an apple or anything else.

I swore when I got to a certain weight I would stop but that was in high school 22 years ago. On my quest I did get to my first goal weight while on the dance team. Got right to the limit my dance coach allowed when she threatened to bench me if I went lower. Once I dipped just a bit below even with that I drank water at weigh ins. But soon my quest as I stated above was no longer to be thin but to be skinny so therefore I had to increase the behaviors as it wasn't easy. Screw reasoning. I was on a roll and couldn't be stopped! The thoughts of exercise, constantly moving, and behaviors consumed me. Amazing how I got a 3.85 at Cal Baptist my first year there and 4.0 at Valley college when getting my AA. That didn't last though as I couldn't concentrate for long with these thoughts. Thoughts of numbers and scales and lack of food and how to avoid it and how to simply, disappear. I didn't even like to touch food for fear osmosis would kick in! And did sugar free gum really have 0 calories? what if it didn't and I was consuming calories there? And did the laxatives I took have calories as well? What about all the other stuff I was taking? And when I purged even water did it all come up? What if it didn't? I didn't even feel successful with purging until I saw bile and blood!

And let's not get the successful feelings when my hair started to fall out everywhere. Hair in the vacuum and shower and sinks and my car! Dry skin was my dream as was brittle nails so it didn't bother me one bit other than itching all the time. And when fine hair (lanugo) started to grow I felt, finally, I have reached the double digits and could stop. Nope. Hooked. Couldn't stop. Just a few more pounds and then I could finally be ok with me. Nope. I just wasn't like other anorexics. I was not as successful and didn't have all the symptoms of being extreme as I wanted (another thought!).

So where am I going with this post? nowhere really. Just telling you some thoughts I had while in my darkest times! I will say this, my darkest times were before I had my boys. I never got "that" bad again though close in 09. I still struggle and have some self defeating thoughts but am working on it all in therapy and with another very close friend of mine who lost her sister to this deadly disease. I have not been able to even be in recovery if it weren't for continual support from friends, family, you all, and of course my therapist so please don't close off and think you can heal alone or overcome alone.

I have had many many many thoughts beyond what I am posting here as it's hard to remember it all but it is freeing to get it out!

((hugs))
Brandee

This is my blog, dammit!

Just random shots. Love the sky one I took while in traffic. Reminds me of looking upward and outward in recovery instead of inward and downward which can engulf us into the abyss of this deadly disease. Love my boys with everything in me. Seth is 8 and continually excells in school and GATE. Jack is also doing well in school now and is hilarious when having conversations with him. Love the angry bird shot as he said he wasn't tired and a minute later was out! Threw in a few random shots of me in recent weeks. No rhyme or reason. Just love taking photos and having memories! And I stole the scale photo from Melissa's blog. So true. I have cried many times on the scale and was obsessed with weighing myself dozens of times a day. It's been nearly a year since I have stepped forward on any scale.

For those just coming aboard, I use photos because I love photography. I have been judged for this many times before here and backed off somewhat but this is MY blog. Not to be harsh but so many want to be harsh to MY blog and MY thoughts which at times is a crushing blow. I am somewhat sensitive because I have a huge heart but at the same time words do hurt and judgment doesn't settle well. It's been said that how we react to others opinions and harshness is on us. To a degree I believe this but at the same time this can also give others the "right" to be abusive and mean to others here and fb and other places like my ex does to me in court (yes, he uses my blogs and somehow got into my fb and was given my therapy and hospital records in court).

With all this said, I can't pussyfoot around this disease. After reading a blog by Melissa Dehart, a true survivor who nearly died from her anorexia, this morning I gained new hope to run this blog as I wish even amongst harsh "critics". I will start to tell more of "my" story and the harshness and realities of how anorexia and bulimia sucks you in and how crazy it can be at times. It's not to give ideas for those who wish to be "anorexic". This is not one of those sites. For those who fear I will trigger them, please find other blogs to follow as I am here to be real. To be quite honest I see photos in magazines everywhere of stars rail thin and when I turn the tv on and see news cast and reported, not just the famous stars. It is everywhere!!!! I do not condone any of it but will post the reality of it.

Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes and are not prejudice. They also thrive in isolation and secrecy! These disorders make you focus on weight and the number on the scale. It is far, far, far more than that. I truly hope to get this across here on this blog from here on out in the ups and downs of recovery.

Currently I am struggling. Not extreme at the moment as I am in therapy twice a week again but having moments of it. And struggling doesn't always mean weight loss or diet stuff either!

For those wondering, I have battled anorexia for over 22 years. I would not wish this "hell", this "torture" on anyone! Please do not wish it on yourself. Step away from the mirror and look outward to help right away if any thoughts of it come to mind! This is a disease and will suck you in and control you making it very difficult to escape on your own~

As Melissa says, "stay tuned". More soon. Possibly even tonight!

((hugs))
Brandee

Facing the disease/disorder NOT the food!

Just a few fun photos from when I took the boys to legoland a few weekends ago. It's been such a rough road with so much court with my ex who loves court, loves to lie, loves to create chaos, and loves to try and control (I don't say this lightly, court at least 90 times in 4 years.). Anyhow I take them to local places that are free or inexpensive but we have yet to do a real vacation but they loved this. We went for 3 days and even to the water park there (photos of that will be next blog! and yes I went on water slides in a bikini!) It was just the 3 of us and so much fun.

I have been gone from here a while. Just busy with the boys and work and let's not forget court court court.

For those just coming aboard I have been in recovery from anorexia nervosa since 2009after basically fully relapsing and spending 3 months in treatment. I have battled for 22 years but had about 7 years where I was "ok". 7 years of no diet pills, lax, etc etc etc. I don't want to put it all in case some of you get too triggered or are wanting destructive ideas. Because with that comes medical bills and debt and job loss and and and. You get the idea.

At this time I am struggling but not fully. I eat ok and have a therapist I see weekly, often twice a week. She holds me accountable. But with so much stress it makes it hard for an appetitie these days.

Anyhow I was on FB tonight and a gal who has a forum for those of us struggling had posted on her status asking us when did "ed" or "ana" etc appear for the first time. There were many responses. Some blunt and oh so tragic. Some spoke of how the disorder creeps in. It reminded me that though I started with bulimia at age 14 over being teased about my ass and being weighed and looked at with dance and drill team, it started ever so quietly years before. I remembered even in elementary feeling "big" and " in the way" when a teacher twirled this petite girl around and then went to do the same to me and said "whoa you're too big". I was 11 and tall. But he said big! I started to look down at my body, my figure. Looking at photos back then I was very slender but back then I kept hearing "big". I didn't just "turn" anorexic. More damage needed to take place for that and it did. It was around 14 that a girl taught me how to purge after I hit puberty and a boy told me I had a big ass. And so my story began and all those years of dieting, going from bulimia to anorexia, being at Remuda Ranch I focused on looking "down" at myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I hated me because I wasn't pretty or muscular enough or thin enough. I was in the way. Even being at Remuda Ranch I was unable to allow recovery to sink in because I insisted I was in the way and bigger than every girl there. I was bad at Remuda. Got caught a number of times but it didn't stop me from struggling and being sneaky in the program because I was focused on the symptoms. I was focused on the food and my body etc. I couldn't get past it and even refused Chandler as they called it then. I wanted to be a "successful" anorexic and wasn't thin enough to be that and therefore went deeper into it.

For years I struggled with facing the food, the behaviors, my body. And while all of this is treated in recovery I was trying to face and treat the wrong thing. It was yet another way to cope. Like a quote I heard in prince of tides " if you hurt the body, you won't notice the coming apart of the soul." I hate pain. I hate "feeling". I even hate the word "feeling". It was through my therapist a few years ago that I learned eating disorders are about relationships and about how I "feel" about myself and where I belong in this world. So when she made me go into Reasons in '09 for 3 months it was there that I was able to face the disease/disorder and what it was really about which so was not about the food. One of the main reasons I even relapsed with such drastic weight loss was because of court and my ex and not being able to protect my son. I felt such agony as Jack screamed and cried and reached for me every time he had to go to his fathers because some judge made him go despite proof and documentation of what was happening. I couldn't protect my baby boy and I couldn't control how the courts would rule. I felt I had failed my baby. I couldn't bare the pain or get the visions of him crying and reaching and kicking to get to me. The only thing I could do was lose weight. I could focus on that. I could control my body. No one could interfere with that. I had to focus on something else because I felt the pain would push me over. Being at Reasons helped me to realize I can face the pain. I can sit with it. I can process. I can ask for hugs when I need tangible comfort. I can write about it and share it with my therapist.

I still hate pain. I mean who likes to be sad? Who likes to hurt? I have two friends right now in mind who hurt so much and having such a hard time. I look up to these 2 ladies. They are strong women with careers and children and have so much to give but right now they are both going through tremendous pain and my heart just aches for them. I want to fix it. I want a cure. Just like in my own life. I wish my ex would stop. I wish court would end. I wish I had the funds to finish my degree. It kills me I struggle so much. I get triggered at work and with court and I struggle at times with "ana" thoughts. There are some nights I have been in so much pain I have had to just simply sit and cry and go bed only to realize that I am ok after. That it didn't kill me. That I didn't need to starve or purge or self mutilate or do anything but "feel" and know that it's part of life and it can and does get better.

Avoiding the pain through eating disorders or whatever else you may use only prolongs the inevitable of feeling and that's if you are lucky to have survived the eating disorder. There have been many who died trying. I don't want to be one of them.

Please know you deserve help, therapy, treatment, support. It's a long process, not to be rushed. There is hope and recovery is possible. It sucks sometimes but it's far better than the alternative, death!

((Hugs))
Brandee