Recovery is Painful~

I have had some up and down days since seeing Lisa this past Monday. I am supposed to do an accountability journal, food journal, and daily structure plan. I have yet to do any of this. Lately it's been hard to sit and focus when I want a job so bad and have been a bit depressed and in a funk. I also thought I gained quite a bit and though I have no idea what the number on the scale is, she told me I stayed exactly the same from two weeks prior.

I fully intend to get to her assignments before seeing her in another week as I am trying to see her every other week though money is way tight. I have already made a huge grocery list with several meals planned out and snacks in between. I like the idea of an accountability journal because I can be completely honest though I am for the most part. I just know sometimes I lie to myself or try to be ok when I fear facing something and need to vent or need support.

Eating is not easy. Right now it's not so much the weight. I am stressed about no job and feeling useless and worthless. I feel I have no purpose in life and am just taking up space. I know my boys need me and I am there for them. It's just hard being home all the time with no job and no leads on any jobs. I pray and hope and go to church and reach out. I am drained from even all of this.

I do want recovery, though, through all of this. I must find a way because life without "ana" is a life living. It would mean reaching out to others who need help. It would mean speaking out on this deadly disease from first hand knowledge and experience. It would mean being more alive and feeling instead of hiding and runnning and holding my head down in shame.

So I will continue to eat and allow the tears to fall as I push through the mounds of calories, screams from "ana", painful honesty to myself and others I am accountable to, and through the insecurities about certain parts of my body I seem to dislike! Used to hate but working on it. Besides I look good in jeans! lmao

Recovery is very painful but in the end is life worth living. Ana is very painful but in the end you are dead or you remin the walking dead throughout life. I know because I have spent near 20 years not fully living~

((hugs))

Brandee

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week! :-)

These were taken yesterday. Top ones right before church. After church Mike took us all to Big Bear for some cold fun! It started to snow while we were there, which was so neat.

I was pretty busy all weekend with the boys visiting friends and spending time with Mike and his daughter Juliana. I ate pretty well and while I still had internal insecurities I didn't let "ana" ruin such a wonderful weekend.

I have noticed weight gain though don't know a number but that doesn't matter. I am working on being heathy. I don't need "ana" to infiltrate every part of my life as it's so draining. It's hard to gain when you see fat but as I gain and push through recovery, the less I will focus on weight and will deal more with why I tend to starve in stress etc.

I encourage you all to choose recovery despite all the excuses, insecurities, and fears.

Today I choose recovery to Celebrate Eating Disorder Awareness Week! I hope you all do the same and those who suspect loved ones of having an eating disorder will reach out to them and offer help and support.

((hugs))

Brandee

Abandoning "Ana" while being abandoned in recovery~

I feel so distant from "Ana". The past few days I have been eating quite a bit. Yesterday I even went past my caloric requirement which scared me a little. Today I was a bit under but managed ok.

Internally it's been a real struggle because I have felt very alone the past few days. It seems when you are emaciated or in patient or on the brink of danger weight you get the support but when you need it most is when you are in recovery and don't appear to even have an eating disorder.

At times I feel completely disgusted in myself for eating. Some days I feel like falling a part after a meal. Sometimes I look down at my body and just cry.

I almost feel I have to somewhat shut down because I need to gain the weight but can't gain it with feeling at all. It's just too much right now and too lonely a place to be. It's been very intense for me the past few days as though I may burst with emotion but must keep it in, in order to keep gaining, and I will~

((hugs))
Brandee

Taking a leap! Just do it!

Following the meal plan has not been easy. It's not so much the food etc as it is I haven't had an appetite and get nauseated just thinking of eating. I have been more accountble to Mike so have had to try a bit harder regardless.

The past few days I feel I have eaten a bit more. I have tried to break the habits of going hours without eating and have been trying to snack and eat every couple of hours. I have had to just eat what looks good or drink the calories to get it in.

I think for a while I have allowed old habits to stay put. If I am not hungry I don't eat but I am not hungry because my body is not used to hunger. If I am too busy to eat, I don't. Instead I need to make snacks readily available. Instead I need to eat regardless of hunger for now.

It's going to take time but the more I do the opposite of what feels habitual or "normal" in ana's eyes the more I will form healthier habits and be where I need to be.

Mike has also put a lot of effort into embracing me with all of this, checking on me, caring, listening to me, and he compliments me all the time on my figure telling me more weight would look better. The least I could do is give back to him and his efforts through recovery as I know I won't be left alone in it and he will still be there when I am heavier.

Time to work on fears and embrace recovery and a healthier me~

((hugs))
Brandee

Starches, proteins, fruit galore, keep us coming back for more! :-0

Not the most flattering picture of me but is of Joyce and I adore her and so blessed with her in my life.

I was finally able to see my dietician, Lisa, last night for a longer session than usual, which was nice. So good to be back. She often doubles as a therapist and I can tell her anything.

Of course she got right down to business with weigh in and food plan. So far today I have actually and finally followed it with no sneaking, cheating, or lying to myself. I did get off to a late start but caught up.

It's an ingrained habit for me to go hours without eating and to stay busy even without a job at the moment. Food just doesn't appeal to me and I also fear eating more will create hunger I can't stop and would therefore make me over eat.

I struggle with seeing "pseudo fat" as I call it. Hard to believe others when I SEE IT WITH MY OWN EYES! But that's the disease. Like why would Mike, Lisa, Dr. Waraich, Joyce, my mom, family, and friends all lie and tell me I am thin when I am not? So hard to accept this but baby steps as Joyce puts it.

Another part of this meal plan etc is realizing it's temporary. In other words I won't always be eating a shit load of food. :-)

This all feels uncomfortable and not normal by any means. I cringe and cry sometimes. Sometimes I need an extra push here and there and get that from Mike and Joyce. Sometimes I need to not be alone when eating. Sometimes I need a friend to see and vent. Sometimes I just need to feel the uncomfortble feelings and dig deep to get to the bottom of it all.

I am very afraid. But I am doing it.

For those wanting recovery and some have asked what a meal plan looks like here is the current one I am on though it will increase:


Meal Plan Guideline
Name: Brande
2/9/10


8:30 am Breakfast should contain:
2 starches
2 oz. protein
1 dairy
1 fat
1 fruit

10:30 am morning snack:
1 starch or 1 fruit
1 dairy
1 protein or 1 fat

1:00 pm Lunch should contain:
2 starches
3-4 oz. protein
1-2 fats
1 fruit or 2 vegetables

3:00-4:00 pm afternoon snack:
1 starch or 1 dairy
1 fruit
1 protein or 1 fat

6:30-7:00 pm Dinner should contain:
2 starches
3-4 oz. protein
1-2 fats
1 fruit or 2 vegetables

9:30-10:00 pm night snack:
1 starch or 1 fruit
1 dairy
1 fat



· 2 Regular Ensure to supplement for a meal
· 1 Regular Ensure or 1 cliff bar to supplement for a snack
· Daily supplements: 1 Multi vitamin and 500 mg Calcium with vitamin D

((Hugs))
Brandee

Back on track :-)

I finally got to see Dr. Waraich today. It had been almost 2 months since I saw her last. It felt so good to be back and she was so excited and sweet about seeing me again.

Of course she got right down to business. She immediately noticed a difference in weight but confronted me gently. After a deep discussion and some tears she wants me on a minimum 3000 and isn't considering anything lower.

So I sit here stuffed, full, miserable, highly anxious, a bit alone but managing. I feel like I did at Reasons. It's not easy, no one said it would be but neither would dying from this. I have proven emaciation, no news there. Why do that again? Why not try the curvy sex appeal look instead of the bony, vein un- appeal? My few weeks of near relapse have come to an end. Time to face it, though it sucks.

Twenty years of this shit is enough already. ugh just need something to replace it like my kids, Mike, family, friends!!!!!!!
sometimes I feel like a tantruming child giving this up. It's not over yet but will be someday and I will be celebrating and helping others.
((hugs))
Brandee

Facing me~

The past few weeks I have noticed I have been crying more, tearing up easily. I have been moodier and haven't been the best at communicating.

During an argument tonight with someone I love dearly I broke down. I was frustrated with the argument and that I couldn't fix things. I felt I was defective, I was somehow wrong, I needed to be punished. I had dinner on the stove and ready and during the argument just tossed it down the garbage disposal. I couldn't call anyone for help, couldn't really text anyone, not who I wanted anyway. So I came here to this blog with a body screaming for food, tears streaming, and ana yelling.

Sounds crazy, I know, but then I thought whoa, I am in starvation mode. I had all these same symptoms a year ago before entering Reasons. Some of the stress is circumstantial but a lot of this I feel physically and know it.

When I was healthier I held together quite well and rarely ever cried even though I am a deeply feeling and compassionate person. I would cry maybe once a month or after several months despite hard times. Now I cry near daily. Though I have to say the past 6 months have been hell to say the least.

Hanging on by a thread but hanging on. I am definitely a fighter regardless of the tears but definitely need to get back into full recovery and gain enough to get out of the danger zone which I am currently in again.

Ana is strong tonight but I am going to go eat something right now despite the tears and anguish.
((hugs))
Brandee